The Countess of Brighton and Hackney

Let Them Eat Cake

2011-11-28T19:27:00.001Z

2011-11-10T02:25:00.002Z

the Countess on Wiki

TROUBLE WITH BULLY at the COUNTESS of BRIGHTON and HACKNEY'S PALACE

2011-11-09T23:53:00.000Z

ART CLASSES in Hove, Brighton | Classes | Gumtree.com

2011-11-08T12:05:00.000Z

ART CLASSES in Hove, Brighton | Classes | Gumtree.com

Portrait of a Nazi (Rudie Lunarcy)

2011-11-03T02:01:00.000Z

2011-11-03T01:52:00.000Z

Our Man in London Aleks Ciric at Circus

the Countess does Fashion in another local rag

2011-11-01T23:52:00.001Z

What's Happening Brighton

Buttercream Bakery comes to the Palace

2011-11-01T19:36:00.002Z

http://theartofbeingperfect.blogspot.com/2011/11/buttercream-bakery-halloween-cupcake.html

Photographic Intern Needed Brighton

2011-10-27T15:41:00.002+01:00

Goddamn Media need a Brighton based intern for a fortnight.....we are putting together a Goddamn Calender........duties will be to assist the director as we galavant about town....to set up shots, persuade the innocent to remove their clothes, hold the umberella, shout at passers by who get in shot etc. Full reference and work experience given. Your own camera would help but it is not necessary......some creativity is important though!

Portrait of a Nazi by Pasha du Valentine

2011-10-27T00:02:00.002+01:00

Portrait of a Nazi by Pasha du Valentine

2011-10-26T22:07:00.000+01:00

Portrait of a Nazi by Pasha du Valentine

2011-10-26T01:57:00.000+01:00

Portrait of a Nazi by Pasha du Valentine

2011-10-26T00:37:00.001+01:00

Goddamn Brighton Launch Day

2011-10-11T23:55:00.000+01:00

Goddamn Brighton Launch Day

The Countess of Brighton and Hackney does Channel 4 Come Dine With Me

2011-10-04T13:03:00.000+01:00

Come Dine With Me With The Countess

A SONG FOR THE COUNTESS OF BRIGHTON AND HACKNEY

2011-10-04T12:43:00.000+01:00

A SONG WRITTEN FOR THE COUNTESS OF BRIGHTON AND HACKNEY

Sweet Sweet Lies at the Concorde Brighton

2011-09-25T18:17:00.000+01:00

SPANKIE PANTIE

2011-09-22T22:38:00.000+01:00

Guerilla Fashion

2011-09-19T15:51:00.000+01:00

Guerrilla Fashion Show

2011-08-31T14:08:00.000+01:00

Guerrilla Fashion Show

the Press machine!!!

GUERRILLA FASHION COMES TO BRIGHTON

2011-08-18T11:41:00.001+01:00

The Countess of Brighton and Hackney is to host and event in one of Hove's finest venues, the H Bar. The event is a carnival of fine clothes fit for queens and kings and in betweens.
Some of Brighton's best artists and designers are to exhibit their finery.
Details below dear friends!

PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD TO ANYONE WITH A

CREATIVE URGE!!!!! NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

GUERRILLA FASHION

A Recession Proof Show

On the 17th of September, sponsored by fetish model Ms Poppy Cock,

the Buttercream Bakery, H Bar and Goddamn Media, Brightonians

and visitors alike will be beckoned towards the first and only fashion

show of its kind.

Some of our cities best loved characters including the Countess

of Brighton and Hackney (of Come Dine With Me Fame) and Peter

Jarrette are involved in this creative afternoon of colour and design.
Designs are inspired by the unity and friendliness of Brighton and

its unique spirit, some politically motivated referencing recent

unrest and others inspired by the simple things in life like tea and cake.

The show will prove that fashion does not need to be costly.

The only rule of entry for exhibitors is that the design was made or

styled or glued or stapled in the four week period before the event.

Free entry with complimentary cupcakes for early arrivals
4pm-8pm on the 17th of September 20011

Get in touch if you would like to exhibit or for any other questions.

Contact

mspoppycock@goddamnmedia.com info@goddamnmedia.com

ALSO ON FACEBOOK 'GUERRILLA FASHION SHOW'

The Goddamn Media Agency for Characterful Inhabitants of Brighton and Hackney

2011-08-07T15:00:00.000+01:00

A visit to an eminent specialist in the field of feminine balances has confirmed that one is not suffering from the symptoms of the climacteric after all. This factor has more than distressed your Countess who was already looking forward to a retirement from the expected performings of women in their reproductive years....well of a fashion at least. Indeed I have quite the opposite of a lack of hormones, an influx of them moreover which seemingly is the potency behind some behavioural difficulties that my shrink has been dealing with, seasoned liberally with his despair. So be it, methinks, and armed with youthful hormonal vigour I have returned to business activities.

I am to head a campaign for the employment in the arts of some of our most flamboyant and grandiose characters from the boroughs of Brighton and Hackney. How thrilled I am to have been considered for such a position, realising of course that my regal and media connections put me in good stead for success!

http://goddamnmedia.com/agency_31.html

Cheese and Sleeze

2011-08-06T23:46:00.002+01:00

The Palace received an invite to sample cheeses and wines in a delicatessen of fine produce. I escorted mother who was outshone I feel somewhat by the family crest upon the Countess chest. The image seemingly draws attention to one's finer assets.

The venue for the evening was an establishment in Hove called La Cave and the event was hosted by a charming Frenchman and several farmers. The Countess was welcomed most appropriately with fine white wine and was witness to an exciting demonstration of cheese making.....no hint of sarcasm here.....it was truly an enjoyable lecture and one learnt so much. Are you aware readers that heifers are impregnated initially by smaller bulls and latterly by larger ones? I immediately saw similarities with my own history of reproduction and my first small husband.

La Cave is fast becoming renowned for its cheese platters.......I wait patiently for an invitation from one of my suitors or to attend their new cheese club at the very least. And the Countess is not to be outdone by the residents of South Kensington (where Le Cave behold a sister branch of lesser interest) who do not require pricings on the fare and think little of eighty guinea chunks of cheese!......the people of Brighton are thrifty by comparison, no vulgarity or excess on these fine streets, not of cheese at any rate for the people of our borough concern themselves with other excesses....those to be enjoyed next week at Pride!

http://www.la-cave.co.uk/hove.php

Slumber in peace, God bless you all.

Subterfuge, conspiracies, deceptions and tattoos.

2011-08-06T21:14:00.000+01:00

The Countess proved her sturdy constitution quite recently with the marking of a regal crest upon her decolletage.

I was escorted in the royal golden carriage by the Baron, Rupert de la Mare, to a small peninsular called Godsport, a very minor and insignificant hamlet along the south coast towards Southampton. The journey there was most pleasant despite the Baron's late arrival.....alas his time keeping is unimproved since his leaving the Brighton Palace for his a la mode apartments in Kemptown. (I was invited finally to said abode after several persuasions and reasonings.....the apartments have a handsome sea view and are guarded, due of course to the Baron's stashes of wealth and trinkets therein, by a ferocious beast imported from the Americas. I was most pleased by the Baron's success at independance and indeed at his fine taste.)

Now however, I must 'fill you in' readers on a crime that was perpetrated upon the Baron himself. A cousin from the insignificant peninsular I speak of was to attend our good borough for no other purpose we believe than a robbery of the a la mode apartments. The gent, hardly more than a boy, is an unsophisticated brute, badly educated, practically illiterate and with the manners of a baboon. He is a distant enough relative, at least in miles, spawned from an accident of choice that my brother made during a lapse of concentration as he was targeted by a gold digger of the worst caliber.
Sadly for the Baron, his excellent breeding and fine moral fiber has always dictated his honour and commitment to charity and those less fortunate than ourselves, buffered yet more by the honour to blood ties and to kith and kin.
The Brighton staff at my Palace were not made aware of the presence of the brute until a message sent urgently across the borough revealing a theft of moneys from the Baron's private quarters......a thousand guineas no less, removed from the safe. The cousin had pretended for two days to be the Baron's comrade, a consort even in his business, privvy to his affairs of state and to his private banking procedures.
The Baron was bereft at the betrayal, more that than over the moneys that were now lost!

Now quite by coincidence it was that the Lady Helena of the Heaths of Godsport was reserved some months prior to emblem the family crest upon the Countess decolatage in the very same town that this cad had hailed from. So it was that the Baron was quick to attend to my accompaniment there.

This town was quite uncomfortable from the onset for the inhabitants appeared to be entirely related; even the children had cellulite and I feel sure they compass webbed feet or worse still. There was a sense of warped time and Jeremy Kyle about the streets and toothless boys playing banjos on rooves would not have been misplaced.
Alas dear readers worse was to come for as the Countess lay on her back, fortified by nothing more than de la Mare du Valentine stamina (not for the first time of course, remember the C(o)unt) the Baron had been ambushed, due to a prior call, ney a tip off, by the entire Godsport constabulary. It took a further twenty-four hours of influence and status to secure the Baron's release! Rumours were rife amongst the simple people of the town that the Baron had visited prior with the dog from the Americas and some assistant thuggery........and there was silly rumour of a gun!

Thank the Lord then that the jinxed expedition at least resulted in Lady Helena's fine art piece.

God bless you all my children.

the Pride Prints 2011 by Pasha du Valentine

2011-07-13T23:49:00.000+01:00

YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU FUCKER

2011-07-02T00:22:00.000+01:00

BE NICEGODDAMN MEDIA POSTCARDPASHA DU VALENTINE

2011-07-01T21:32:00.000+01:00

Eligible Batchelors and Hip Thrusters

2011-06-26T16:01:00.006+01:00

An invitation to a ball at the Brighton ballroom had arrived last week from the Marquess of Brunswick. I was dressed to impress in a new designer dress from Vivienne Westwood which had arrived at the Palace by special delivery on Friday afternoon. The Marquess sent invitation with his calling card attatched......see herein for yourselves........

It is fair to say that the gentleman's tassling accessories fairly pleased me and my intention was to attend the event.

I was to meet Princess Nathalie of the Hunters in the Art Bar around eight for the sharing of wine. The Princess was on good form, dressed to perfection as always. She told me a story of particular interest involving Sir Douglas of the Craigs and how he calls for her in the wee small hours when nightmares, phantasms and other hallucinations wake him from his slumber. The Countess was most surprised although I fear I may have misheard and that the Princess was referring instead to her son Little Lord Beau......the wines were from a supurb region and the events and conversations became confused and muddled in the murky corner of my climacteric brain. I will clear the matter up some other time. Meantime I see that Sir Douglas blossoms into a fine figure of a man. He works in the city of Londinium for a leading computer company and his expertise knows no bounds. I am quite keen that he be matched with any one of my daughters though sadly they are seemingly matched already for even Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies found love this week with a gentleman who works in medicinal powders. I am yet to be introduced for it seems that the gentleman is afraid......I know not of what! Ah well.......the days are early and I may be successful for a match in the future........ Sir Douglas is of fine stock and a joining could swell the Countess' coffers.

Alas we were unable to attend the event at the Ballroom......the hours slipped through our fingers like sand grains.

Instead we went, accompanied by Sir Douglas of the Craigs of Aberdeen, to the castle of Sir Paul of the Edmond clan some fifty steps away.We decided the air would do us good and I sent the golden carriage back to mother's abode.
Alas the hospitality was more than favourable and hence I was not to return to mother's until today, this day a Sunday. How we danced and frolicked and misbehaved like small children for this is our way in Brighton when we reach the weeks end. Big Irish Jono was also in attendance (I have forgiven him his recent misdemeanors of which there are very many) and we danced so excitedly that a nail on my left hand was chipped......I have booked a manicure tomorrow as I am a woman of reputation, a woman of manners and of good grooming and my desire is always to stay at top of these qualities.

Sir Paul of the Edmonds was debonair as ever and was in generous spirits and gave as leaving gift two of his wonderful photographs. For those unaware Sir Paul is most famous having photographed Duran Duran, a band of roaming minstrel quite famous during the 1980's or there about. I am most pleased at the gifts, particularly a striking pose of the Countess in all her glory which will be available for view quite soon.

Sir Peter of the Jarrettes sent message last evening that he was available for party steps. I hear his ballroom dancing lessons go well and that the gent's Trinidadian and Tobagon genes are to be quite apparent in his hips as he partakes in the samba. Sadly by this hour one was quite 'done in' and so the quick hip flicking gent must save his libidinous maneuvers for another day.

My dear friend Sir Gaz of the Nuts sent word from Glastonbury that he is enjoying his time at a festival there. It seems there is much to do, wine and song and women......Sir Gaz may not return intact I fear. This very morning a Tory MP was to be discovered in the 'very important persons' water closet quite dead, no life in him left after the festivities.....just like the King Elvis of the Presleys! One prays that one's own demise will be more gracious....it would not be appropriate to pass this world with one's bloomers at one's feet.

Now, Mother's castle looks well over the cricket ground of Hove and I am told that Sir Elton of the Johns will play especially for us this very evening. sadly I have little interest in the maestro and have opted instead to accompany the Baron Rupert de la Mare who is most agreeable in mood this warm Sunday and will host a buffet at one of the Borough's fine places of dining specializing in Eastern flavours.
Thankfully the L'il Literati has supplied the Countess with a magic formula for the problems of heartburn and I am once again free to eat as my will demands.

Until tomorrow, God Bless you all!

A letter from Lord Double-Yew and Metal Wares in Brighton

2011-06-23T20:41:00.001+01:00

News came early this morning from the Lord Double-Yew who was concerned that rumour and gossip may have sullied his standing in the borough of Brighton and cause some restrictions to his credit facilities.
I quote from his ramblings....

.....' Worry not, news comes that I may well inherit "Port Hall" a substantial English pile in an exceedingly good neighbourhood. If the decrepit old relative can shuffle along speedily I may have the improvements needed on the "Hall" (I shudder at the thought of an outside privy in the Winter months) to be in to celebrate Christmas in style. Her Ladyship can then scrabble together the social standing she has worked so tirelessly to acquire. Onwards and upwards, my dear!.........'

Your Countess of course has been brought up by this fine country's most superior governesses and my time in Switzerland at the finishing school taught me well that charity is an obligation, ney more, a compulsion! And so I have ordered from an 'on line' retailer something to assist the Lord and his kin in his time of difficulty as he makes do in the thoroughfare of Montpelier......

Now news of one's errant girl child, Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies. We were to meet this very day in order to procure outfits more suited for the changeable weather, part rain part shine without sensible prediction. What fun we had as we scoured the bargains about the borough in childlike and excited spirits. We also took late luncheon in a fine place of dining and shared stories and tales of recent days......I treat these reunions with great respect less he time before the next be longer than anticipated for this child and I are unpredictable in our crossing paths.

We were later to a trader named Wild Cat (funds enabled a purchase in fine jewelery for my child) where the rabid chihuahua took interest in a shelf of metal ware which the Mushroom Queen and I found most curious and yet most confusing. We were none the wiser as we left and I will leave it to you dear readers to make your judgements.

Tomorrow promises vodka although the Palace is to decide on my attendances.
I beg you enjoy the week's end ahead of us despite the dampening influence of the rain.

God bless you all!

Art Lessons, Penthouse Accomodation and Anarcho Punk History.

2011-06-22T14:22:00.005+01:00

An invitation to pass the afternoon hours arrived this week past from Peter Von Sleaze, Marquess of Brunswick.......I was moderately impressed as a Marquess lies reasonably high in the pyramid of titles.....a British peer ranking below a duke and above an earl. Furthermore I have heard rumour that the Marquess is prone to party like antics as much as his funds allow. (I fear the Marquess is rather more than prone to wine women and song and that his funds have been restricted by the powers that be lest he bankrupts his district).

I arrived in his company after a shopping spree and was somewhat disabled with bags quite brimming with dresses from some of the finer stores in Brighton. The Marquess and the Countess spent an afternoon in fine semblance in a castle belonging to Caroline of Brunswick and put the world quite to rights. My companion informed me too of a new craze spreading through the streets of the city called 'boylesque'.

My good friend Lady Dolly of the Rocket Clan is seen below in this documentary from Chanel 4 which may give more of an insight into this new craze.

Papa would not have been pleased at this new craze, but neither was he happy with binge drinking amongst the lower classes and yet see how happy they are despite the recession.

Later the Baron arrived and were able to plan how he will manage his trust fund. The boy is lucky not to feel the pinch of government cuts as his mother took care of his financial affairs wisely before he was even on this earth. ........the boy/man at eighteen can wallow in the spoilings that others have assured him and he is to consider his tenancy in a bijou residency with high ceilings and good vehicular access. The Countess is thrilled to have been asked advise concerning the decor of the baron Rupert's new abode and I am to make delivery there of a bar, furnishings of a manly nature....mostly dark wood and black, supplies of health giving recuperating foods which can be frozen for long periods, a supply of fresh socks which seems more beneficial than storing soiled ones until the maid arrives, a maid, and other props that a young man about town should enjoy in a well to do apartment in the heart of the borough of Brighton.

The evening was somewhat marred by the arrival of a young lady from the Moulsecoomb district who one deemed most inappropriate. Danielle of the Not All There clan proved to be an annoyance all round and was sent her marching orders.....clearly a gold digger and we thank God that the Baron is wise to these types.

I have taken a penthouse at the artist's retreat in Islington as the accommodations on the lower floors were not appropriate for a woman of my social standing. The apartment on the top floor looks over a part of Londinium quite pretty and my art tutor informs me that the gardens and the views have improved my production. He is actively searching for a suitable venue to show the collection during the autumn though fairly I am in no particular rush.

My dear friend Princess Adeleh Bright Daffodil of Trans is to attend a private and expensive clinic on Monday to have some readjustments made to her new lady area. We wish her most well as her wedding will be quite soon in the Borough of Islington and I am most excited to wear yellow for the first time in over a decade..... (Ah one is taken back to the bright yellow stretch Lycra cat suit that was something of a Countess trademark during my years in the colonies.Thoughts and best wishes too to the Lord Double-yew. It seems that the bailiffs or at least the threat of them have meant he is forced to move his needy family to the servants quarter along one of the city's less desirable areas where the neighbours are questionable and drunks and vagabonds ruminate in the gutters all night!. Condolences to his wife whose aspirations to climb the ladder of social notice have been so successful previously as to cause some hyper ventilations......oh how the mighty fall.

I was to Hackney on Monday as guest of the L'il Literati and the Sniper. The Countess is most pleased at their progress.

For those unaware some six years of estrangement between the Lil one and myself were abruptly ended by an episode of Crime Watch. The Countess is not a viewer of proletariat television generally but an aide had contacted me to draw attention to an episode where a line up of eight of Britain's most wanted criminals were presented on the Palace's flat screen. Second most wanted was the Sniper Dizzle and his girlfriend the L'il Literati.

Shocked and concerned I made contact with the underground elements (it is my business to know these people though one is cautious to spend too much of one's time with them) and the L'il one was brought to the Palace for a recuperation. The Sniper was persuaded to hand himself over to the metropolitan authorities to serve his time. How thrilled then we can all be that now the two of them have made such progress in a difficult world enjoying top positions in the city of London.
The Sniper can be viewed from the clip herin as the only white boy on the block.

Plans for a rendezvous with Sir Gary of the Buckley Clan of Forest Gate (still famed for his contribution to the anarcho punk movement and a band of fine writers and musicians named D.I.R.T) were scuppered as the rains fell hard from the Hackney skies and the L'il one was sadly not for moving. We feasted instead in the warmth of the castle that has now become so familiar to me and I am to rearrange plans to reminisce the heady days of anarcho punk.

I am again to Brighton for some continuing commitments this week. Sadly there is still rain here too but I am to dear mother's where I may enjoy the menu as always.

News has just arrived that Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies is to attend a college course.......she is expected later to give more insight to the academic advancement.

The Baron is also due soon as I enjoy some peace in my quarters away from mother and the rabid chihuahua.

Until later my good children, may God guide you well through rain, poor quality British television and even more poor quality British tennis.

The Party is Always Right

2011-06-18T18:23:00.001+01:00

Paintings by Pasha du Valentine

2011-06-16T13:39:00.000+01:00

The Countess tries to persuade the rabid chihuahua to swim at Brighton beach

2011-06-15T18:23:00.000+01:00

Invitations and Rejections

2011-06-15T12:53:00.001+01:00

I was woken in the tiny hours by an important call via the telephone from the Baron Rupert de la Mare. Some readers will be aware that relations between us have been strained of late due to differences in our characters that the Palace was unable to renounce.
The Baron seems on good form and I predict that relations will improve. Indeed your Countess was quite thrilled at the Baron's high spirits and conviviality despite the hour.....a mother must be grateful for small mercies, all mother's know this to be true.

My personal assistant had received notice from Sir Thomas Macdonnell yesterday that we were to attend the birthday party of a boy named George....at a secret location in London. I spoke briefly to Sir Thomas but his sexual advances on the Countess flesh (virtual of course as there were some miles, thankfully, between us) were of a stressful nature and had caused me to take to my salts. Barnes (my personal assistant) advised that Sir Thomas Macdonnell is no man of breeding or education and that, worse still, no man of means. Barnes heard rumour that the cad 'has not a pot to piss in'.
I have deleted him from the Palace contacts list along with his motley crew.....there is no room for charity in our time of deep recession.

News to lift my spirits has arrived today however.
The Lord Robert Anthony, a man of letters from the greater areas of Londinium, has sent word that I am to accompany him to the Duke of Essex Polo Trophy next month.
And so it was more than opportune that my stylist, Little Princess Nathalie of Former Glory, arrived just yesterday laden with new stock from her vintage range. The Lady Pembleton-Fraser and myself were quite like children at a fair ground as we rummaged through the Valentinos and the Chanel!
I fairly overspent but I am assured that despite my retirement (at least for the summer season) the Countess of Brighton and Hackney bloomers fly from the palace seamstresses machines to destinations all over the globe.

Now readers I must be off for mother has booked a session with the art tutor.....

God bless you all.

http://www.dukeofessexpolocup.com/the-delux-package

Goddamn Erotica Post Card Range by Pasha du Valentine for Goddamn Media

2011-06-15T11:34:00.000+01:00

Paintings by Pasha du Valentine

2011-06-15T11:09:00.000+01:00

Foie Gras, Truffles, Quails Eggs and the Rabid Chihuahua

2011-06-13T13:41:00.000+01:00

Sir Peter Jarrette begged I join him for the closure event of Brighton Fashion Week at the Brighton Ballroom in Kemptown (otherwise known as Kamptown for reasons of heightened creativity in that region).
It was pleasant enough though the fashionistas hold so little between their vanity and their self consciousness. Sir Peter did a sterling job as always in compering and holding fort.

And I was to spend time with Sir Peter some days later for sampling of vodkas and fine wines in and around the Brighton Boroughs......Although we were waylaid in our attempts to get to where we should have been due to the effects of the sampling.

News of recession has caused your Countess more grief than is tenable! My shares in soya beans and oil are down and I wonder how the good people of the boroughs Brighton and Hackney can manage the gloom that is enveloping us.......coupled with the climacteric i am filled with pessimism and concern for our futures. My medical advisers have suggested that I book myself into an artist's retreat in the borough of Islington where I will be able to relax from the rigours of business and partake in the ladylike pastimes that I have enjoyed for many years. I am to undergo some therapies in the arts and of the mind and I look forward to my time there. Indeed I am to reside in a converted Convent and quite opposite a delicatessen which is of fine repute.
At least during one's recuperation one will have good supplies of foie gras and truffles......though the medical advisor warns against an over indulgence in quail eggs for some reason.

I am to ready myself now for a brisk trot with the chihuahua. He loves the Countess so and I fear that despite his rabid tendencies I have quite warmed to his funny ways. I have asked Barnes (who accompanies me these days when I visit mother) to put on the garb that will protect the creature from the weather along the coast......a small raincoat indeed made to perfection..........

Until later, God bless you all my children.

Hackney Conmen and the Incremental Creep of the Essex Chavistocracy continued......

2011-06-10T18:54:00.000+01:00

Sir Thomas Macdonell pressed me recently to host the Black and White reunion Ball. I did as was my duty, as Countess about town, dressed in a fine frock stitched the Princess Nathalie of Former Glory. (Fairly it was reminiscent of something the Lady Dolly Parton would wear and it was most pleasing on the eye, especially to gentleman of a certain country and western persuasion. Furthermore, on wearing the frock, I found myself compelled oft to sing 'Jolene Jolene' as I minced about my business.)

I was accompanied to the event, which was held in the borough of Camden, by the Li'l Literati and her beau, the Sniper Dizzle. We were on good form initially though the event proved to be in shambolic form soon after our arrival. There was a lack of champagne which as guests of honour should have been presented at our table. Even the vodka was rather thin on the proverbial ground of the ornate and somewhat gauche establishment known as.......darn I forget!
The Li'l one came close to blows with Sir Thomas due to some lewd remarks and an attempt to molest her person. He is a rather frightful creature of poor breading for which one forgives due to his advancing years.

The Sniper was to be found at one point on the brink of a deep depression........alas it seems that he was to the smoking terrace where a woman of more advanced years and of less good looks had burdened herself upon him. The Sniper took this most personally and was not for consoling for several hours.

The guests generally were on bad form as the motley crew had been gathered mostly from the Essex regions. The number of Ladies (if they can be so described) outnumbered Gents and as the night wore on the calibre of the Essex wench was to be revealed. It is not for the Countess to criticise the dress sense of other counties but the Essex way resembles the un-contained chipolata that we once were subjected to in Moulsecoomb and Porteslade in Brighton.

Your Countess was glad to have been whisked away to the Li'l one's abode where we were to be entertained by men of more gracious means and demeanor in the borough of Hackney.........Most notably Sir Gaz Nuts who is a light at the end of any gloomy tunnel.

Ah but alas, hackney has proved to the victim too of con men and merchants with good morals asunder....indeed the Palace has become the victim of a serious crime!

I shall explain.

Due to increased sales of Bloomers and artworks from the Palace my business advisers recommended that a large building be leased for production of said goods. (Children were ready to be imported for labouring tasks......I jest of course for the Countess would not readily break the law although I do hanker somewhat to the times when one could source a decent chimney sweep in the boroughs of Brighton and Hackney.)
A suitable place was found in the centre of Hackney. A gentleman known only as Rav and working for an outfit of bandits who call themselves 'Spaced Up', recommended to the Palace business machine that a lease would be forthcoming after an initial deposit of a hefty sum....... A sum enough to purchase an outhouse in itself. My business managers and even Barnes had become suspicious however as the said lease was ne'er to materialize despite many requests.

The Countess was to visit the premises in question to appease certain concerns. I was there met by this scoundrel named Rav along with a colleague of foreign description from the Greek islands. They were pleasant enough, as was expected in order to put to rest any fears and suspicions.......although the Greek gent, who professed to be the owner of the premises, ascertained that it would be necessary to unblock the drains on a weekly basis as there was an existing problem with the fried chicken merchant above.
I was privy to the stench readers and it did not bode well let me assure you.

We were none the less committed to an arrangement and would not renege upon it.
However the Palace received notification that an extra payment of nearly one thousand guineas was in order before the deal would be sealed.......we had still seen no lease......and that the total of moneys due, some two and a half thousand pounds would be exchanged at a building not associated with the premises for which the lease (still not forthcoming) was to be applied.

Now your Countess is thrifty with the coffers at any rate and the smell of a rat caused me to close shut the doors to the palace safe. Even Barnes smelt the rat from fifty miles away.

I was then the victim of some abuses from Spaced Up and Mr Rav Esquire via the telephone when I told him that I would be informing the local constabulary. The palace deposit has not been returned, the police are making their enquiries and my barrister is to put together a case in the small claims court.

The entire event is a business fiasco.....I am most disappointed that such con men exist in this fine borough of Hackney. Fear not for justice will be done.

Last weekend passed I was to Hove for rest from the chaos and stresses of bad business. Our dear friend, a
young fop popinjay named Sir Douglas Craig, was to pass his 30th year and there were celebrations afoot.
I was privileged prior to the entertainment in town to spend time with Lady Kath of the Marlow clan....we shared vodka, as is often our way, in the grounds of her superb abode also in Hove. By the time of meeting our young colleague we were quite away with the mood.

Just as well that my mood was lifted for news of ill health came from Mother's aides. A fungus has advanced upon her large toe nail. I fear she may have absorbed a strange pride in this advancement for the Lady is prone to show it to all who pass her way! I personally have not the stomach for any type of fungus, except of course for truffles on one's morning eggs.

I must be off dear readers now for I am committed to a night of vodka tasting in Brighton. I will save the news until tomorrow. God bless you all and god bless all the children of the world who labour for their supper.

GODDAMN TV

2011-06-09T18:16:00.003+01:00

GODDAMN TELEVISION

Con men in Hackney and the Incremental creep of the Essex Chavistocracy

2011-06-09T12:47:00.000+01:00

I was most privileged to be invited to rest for a weekend at the palace of Lady Bright Dafodil. The Lady marked her coming engagement at a monthly event due east of Buckingham Palace at a venue known as 'Stunners'.......prior to the evening's entertainment (known as a night of Kaos) we were entertained within her fine abode which fairly competes with some of Londinium's best addresses. The Lady Dafodil has found a gentleman who is most handy about her palace and seemingly in other ways. Their marriage will be held in the borough of Islington in August where I am to be guest of course.

The consumption of vodka from the Russian states, which I troubled to take with me in my carriage as the Lady does not partake, caused a serious memory lapse and neither I nor my accompaniment have much recollection of events. My secretary, a gentleman of new employ referred to simply as Barnes, assures the Countess that a lack of memory is a signal of heady pleasures......and I am surely with the gentleman on that!
(Barnes has come to the Hackney Palace trained to perfection. He agrees with everything I say, never questions my decisions, gives the COUNTESS credit for everything good and blames the staff on all that is bad. Furthermore he is both unnoticeable and dependable all at once.)

The Lord Double-Yew has been up to his old tricks again in the borough of Hove. He was to entertain Mother in the Italian Garden, a venue where ladies and gentleman of breeding are free to meet in the afternoons and share wines and other refreshments.
The Lord Double-Yew arrived with his brood quite penniless having ordered drinks and a feast for the bairns. Dear Mother was forced to beckon her butler from her castle some streets away to send post haste moneys from the pension fund.
I have warned mother that should this happen again the Lord Double-Owes-Yew must be banished to the scullery to serve the debt!

One is to luncheon dear readers and will resume these notes presently for there is much to tell!

IRIDESCENCE & THE CONQUERING GODDESS PASHA DU VALENTINE

2011-06-09T11:44:00.001+01:00

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=150616533722

(4) Twitter / Home

2011-06-02T10:52:00.000+01:00

(4) Twitter / Home: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

2011-05-26T11:21:00.000+01:00

I was to be entertained this weekend passed by Sir Peter Jarrettte at the Bank along Western Road. We were plied with rum, so we were told, for a change to vodka, though the management seemed to have forgotten to put rum in the cocktails. I am suspect that dishonour was afoot.....I mentioned this to the Lady Pembleton-Fraser, mother is of course some years my senior and more wise in these details. Our guess then, after her suggestion, is that a rum essence was used. Having been teetotal for some five weeks one would expect a heady after effect.....your Countess had agreed to some five or six of these continental mixes and there was no effect.

The fashion crowd showed willing participants in the proceedings. They were frivolous and fashionable and generally dull. One guest attempted to yank my hair from its roots......the wench was an imbecile and marks the calibre of Brightonians in this climate of recession who seem to wander the town in their droves. I thanked God that my escape to Londinium was but a few days hence.

Brighton has lost its lustre and I am glad to be shot of its dull ache.

Business has exceeded expectations and the first month of sales has been exceptional and I have quite gone mad with the purse.

My new designer Princess Nathalie of Former Glory (who has recently made hay and a small female child with a record producer most famous for the Countess pop record 'Pump up the Pussy') is to design and make a new ball gown. I am to host the Black and White Reunion Ball at Gilgamesh. I am to dine there with a band of women known as Girl's Aloud.....I am informed that they too have made popular songs though I am not familiar with their warblings.

My dear friend Sir Tommy Mac has been most gracious in his attentions. There are many more events in the following months that the Countess has been pressed to attend and I am filled with excitement already.

My move to the Hackney Palace was swift and smooth, not a single item was damaged. The new staff in Hackney runs faultlessly.

Under advice from my business managers I am to launch a new channel this very day. Viewers will be privy to the Countess life at the Palace in Hackney.
Also one has published one's memoirs on Kindle......a newfangled tome!

Sales of the Hackney Bloomer have exceeded expectations and I am to increase the number of seamstresses at the Palace. I am heady with business requirements and look forward to several events this weekend. I will share details shortly.

God bless you all my children.

Problems with Sunshine

2011-05-26T11:03:00.000+01:00

The sun at the start of the week was so strong in nature as to quite keep the Countess in the shade. I dared not venture out for fear of burning my delicate English skin (....part Scottish also, and possibly part something else that has yet to be ascertained and has no doubt gone to the grave of dear Papa)......
And then there is the problem of a regal sensitivity of the skin of the face and neck.
As a woman seen so oft in public I have a duty to show the proletariat the way that a lady of breeding should appear: neither as a gypsy nor a skivvy nor someone from the Essex county. Thus I was more or less housebound for the entire Easter break. This suited me well lest my will to avoid the vodkas and the champagnes in the borough be weakened under the seduction of friends and acquaintances. Why, even the Lady Pembleton-Fraser, occasionally referred to as 'an old lush', whatever that should mean, remained at home and free from the temptations that present themselves beyond the castle walls. (More or less, there were two weaknesses of will in a wine bar in Hove that the Lady chose to forget).

What pleasure it was to sit with Mama and to reminisce of more pleasant times before the infiltration of the C(o)unt and the fall from grace of the Baron. It must also be said that food and refreshment at the Castle in Hove is most palatable and readily available as the Lady Pembleton-Fraser has a good solid staff who have been trained well to fit into her simple but sturdy ways.

For the moment readers, may God bless Britain as I expect traders to arrive presently with parasols made of fine English lace.

the Countess of Hackney, Vivienne Westwood and Mickey Mouse

2011-05-24T11:19:00.000+01:00

An amusing look at branding I thought, Mickey Mouse is suddenly thrown from innocence into an arena of soft fetish. The red on the Vivienne shoes echoes the red of the pants and red is the colour of sex of course. Also curious how rude the images look with so little revealed.....the ankles become overly sexualised because of the knickers.....what are the suggestions here? What is the model doing?

THE HOXTON MINI

2011-05-04T23:59:00.000+01:00

HOXTON MINI

MANY THANKS TO NATASHA RODRIGUES

THE MOVE FROM BRIGHTON

2011-05-01T10:43:00.000+01:00

My time in Brighton is over readers due to pressures from the Hakney Municipality to conduct my duties accordingly in the borough in Londinium.
My letters thus have moved to a new address, please follow me there.

http://thecountessofhackney.blogspot.com

God bless you all.

THE HACKNEY BLOOMER AND OTHER MONEY MAKING VENTURES

2011-05-01T10:34:00.000+01:00

The decorators and designers of interiors and gardens have busied themselves all week with preparing the Hackney Palace. The fountains have been installed adjacent to the maze....yes readers a maze! I have so desired such a thing since having lost myself in one the time the Duke visited at the house in Frensham. What fun we had running and screeching and darting about the bushes at dusk.
(We were as I recall, rather disgruntled that my governess was to interrupt our frolics as she reminded me that I was to put more effort into my studies. Since then of course the Duke has been married off to someone from the Russian states who carries weight around her rump.....perhaps he does not play chase anymore or perhaps she is less good at being found than the Countess was.)

The maze in the Hackney grounds is an exact copy of the one at Henver Castle pictured below.

The water features have been placed close to amphitheatre.....there was an issue with sound of course which may distract the shakespearian performers and so one was was mindful of noise.

My sojourn to Hove has proved most beneficial despite mother's rather mundane routine. I am in remarkable health having avoided the vodka and wine that has been such a part of my regal lifestyle to date.
As the Lady Pembleton-Fraser is under medical instruction to restrict the growth of her 'front porch' the portions at table are fit for sparrows. I have taken to snacking in the wee small hours on chocolate that is especially constructed for those in the borough who are concerned with an advancing girth. I feel even the Countess, who is not concerned for visual improvement, is indeed benefiting to some degree......a small boost to perfection one might say.

Business has taken an upward spiral. The walk in cupboards have been cleared and the items sold on eBay with great success. Furthermore my seamstresses were able to assist in the manufacture of two new ranges of Palace garment.

The Hoxton Mini and the Hackney Bloomer are now part of Hackney life and orders have come fast and furious. The coffers, dear readers, are quite swelled!
I am filled with excitement and have been shopping already. Della has warned that there is little point in clearing the wardrobes to simply refill them......Della does not understand new fashions and the importance of being en vogue for a Countess who is permanently in the public eye.

THE PALACE SHOP

THE HACKNEY BLOOMER

Today I am for coffee with the Lady herself and Alfie, the chihuahua. Alfie and I have bonded quite readily, due probably to the tit bits after meals and to the fact that I have been seen walking out with him. Alfie brings much attention due to to his dainty manifestation but is prone to bite quite without warning, he so reminds one of mother. Nonetheless he is up for a jaunt and quite looks the part when carried, if somewhat American!

I must also ready for a photographic shoot later on this fine Sabbath day. The hairdressers are due to arrive and I am to model the new bloomer, there is much to prepare for one's close up.......

God bless you all and long live Hackney.

STOCKINGS

2011-04-27T23:10:00.000+01:00

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HOXTON MINI DESIGNER SKIRT PUNK PIL NEW LTD ED COOL 12 | eBay UK

2011-04-25T00:17:00.000+01:00

HOXTON MINI DESIGNER SKIRT PUNK PIL NEW LTD ED COOL 12 eBay UK

the Countess of Hackney items - Get great deals on Photograhy and Art Prints, Ladies GARMENTS items on eBay.co.uk Shops!

2011-04-25T00:16:00.000+01:00

the Countess of Hackney items - Get great deals on Photograhy and Art Prints, Ladies GARMENTS items on eBay.co.uk Shops!

A new Palace in Londinium and Trouble with a Climacteric

2011-04-24T17:53:00.000+01:00

So dear readers I have returned to public life following a long medically supervised recuperation in the sanatorium.
Freud, (one's shrink as Ana and Della refer to him) insisted that following the trauma of my husband's death and the falling from grace of the Baron, I was indeed showing signs of fatigue.... and even....though he muttered this quite under his grumbling breath, madness.

The kindness of the staff in the sanatorium cannot be over sung for they indeed attended to every Countess whim with grace. Even my tantrums have been calmed by their attentions.....and possibly also by the narcotics that Freud insists settle the brain, evening out its extremes during times of bleakness. Seemingly I have been cursed by a condition that affects both brain and body that is rather common in Ladies of my years. This condition is aggravated by alcoholic beverages and other inappropriate substances.......readers I have been warned even against cake lest it aggravates my condition. The burning of the heart, both metaphorically and literally, so I am advised, is less due to the stresses of the Palace brood and more linked to this condition of chronic hormone displacement.
I am thus to avoid vodka from the Russian states and Marlboro from the Americas.....at least until the Countess' metabolics realign themselves and the 'climacteric' has passed. (I will attempt to avoid cake, thought this is not realistic).
I am promised to behave in expected Countess fashion (as the Lady Pembleton-Fraser insists) and I am not to be entertained in shops designed for the proletariat as the temptation near the chocolate counter proves too much.....alas under the influence of the climacteric one was away with goods. I apologise wholeheartedly to the gentleman owners from overseas who stay open till dawn each day........it was the involuntary mix of adrenalin, unusual hormones and vodka.

Now, there is other news of a most exciting nature. Your Countess is to Hackney to a new Palace. I will publish the interiors once the decorators are done but let me assure you that the upgrade is most marked.
The L'il Literati is ecstatic at the turn of events that bring her mother close to her and her beau (though the gentleman remains reticent in his proposal of marriage despite news of his increase in salary, no doubt being resident but a stone's throw from the Palace of 'Sin' will allow me a greater ability to bring maternal pressure to bear!

And so dear readers I am in slight disarray as my staff pack the contents of the Brighton Palace. Dear Ana, who is much saddened by my leaving, has recommended that the contents of the five walk in wardrobes be emptied and sold in order to pay removal costs which are simply exorbitant. Thus I have employed a marketing assistant and several seamstresses and am quite in the throws of excitement at our new eBay shop!

What fun we are having with this clearing and altering and selling.

The Countess Shopping Emporium

I am to supper......God bless you all and long live Hackney!

Letters from a suitor

2011-01-26T12:50:00.000Z

To journey to Brighton on a weekday evening would be a grand undertaking, however London is a mere 40 minutes. I am grateful for your gracious hospitality.

Although I know London fairly well, I admit that the ways of the city folk are beyond my parochial culture and also fear that Brighton would prove untenable to my provincial outlook.

I hate to stab myself in the foot but may I be blunt -- even if I risk sabotaging our rendezvous?

( from the Suitor)

Are you saying that you are a pussy?

(from the Countess)

I resent the implication; If I may go on without presumptions of cowardly behaviour.
I seek a lady of age greater than my own with whom to slake my lust. My dilemma is the task of finding a suitable matron who appreciates the desires of the young man.

(from the Suitor)

You must forgive me my presumptions. A woman of my status and wisdom is apt to judge and I am oft persued by cads and buffoons seemingly after my favours as well as my trinkets.
Tis the curse of handsomness and wealth.
I am all for lust young man, but mark my words, my patience will wear thin should you tease and trifle with my desires!

(from the Countess)

I have demonstrated at an early point that I do not enjoin any trivialities. I have made my objectives very clear. Just as you have no time for the cad, I have none for the uncultured slattern. I seek not your trinkets for I have my own and I bore of them. I , however, seek carnal pleasures but should cultured conversation follow after matters have been attended to, that too would be a pleasure itself.

There will be no teasing if the boundaries are set and expectations are managed -- hence my blunt proposition.

(from the Suitor)

The sudden death of my late husband has left me bereft and wanton, although his beheading was necessary under the circumstances of his betrayal. I accept your attentions and will take pleasure in perfecting your techniques ( for a young and virile gentleman of merely one and twenty years will surely benefit from the knowledge of a Countess).
I have little need of the folly of unnecessary conversations although I would expect thanks and adorations should you be satisfied.

(from the Countess)

I regret to hear of your loss. Perhaps our proposed activites will alleviate your sorrows and divert your thoughts to the pleasures of life rather than it's tribulations.

(from the Suitor)

And so young man, are you a travelling gent? Do you have a carriage with sturdy steeds?
I await a proposal...an arrangement mutually advantageous perhaps following my civic duties this weeks end in my borough of Hackney for I am there to address commitments and to make ready my new Palace.

(from the Countess)

Alas I am not the keeper of my stallion, for it's master be my lord for whom I toil from the sun's advance from the east till it approaches the west at the 6th hour after the zenith. I dare not ride forth to the lady's fine and noble Borough on a stallion bearing the markings of my lord. To encroach the trust bestowed upon me would surely result in chastisement, especially were the beast to incur injurious markings or penalties from the sheriff of your province.

I will travel with the pilgrims who journey often to your northern land that you call London, on the wagon that rolls along the path of steel.

To journey upon this Saturday would have born much pleasure, for upon this day I celebrate the passing of the 21st year to my 22nd. However I would gladly persevere until another week passes, should this suit your arrangements. What say you?

(from the Suitor)

Sir, I wait with baited breath for your appraisal of my new frock and corset......indeed I have this very day made orders to my boot maker. There may even be some opportunity for you to make judgement of my satin bloomers imported from Paris. I feel quite sure that having reached the ripe age of two and twenty years you will be experienced enough in such matters.
You have quite made the Countess breathless with excitement.

(from the Countess)

I trust that you intend not to patronise my experience countess, for I am a man of the world and I have smelt and tasted many a fine thing over the breadth of continents. Many an innocent maiden have I defiled and my oats have been sown hither and thither.

I am too you, you will appreciate, a man with an eye for matters of a sartorial nature and will take pleasure in inspecting the garments that you speak of as I remove them from your body and desecrate your modesty.

I pray that I am to expect the pleasure of your company on this Saturday's eve?

(from the Suitor)

Jimmy Choo, Laboutin, Gucci, Manolo Blahnik shoe drawings by Pasha du Valentine

2011-01-15T23:35:00.001Z

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Some of the postcards and art prints available by Pasha du Valentine in the ebay shop Biba Dreams. Also available at www.goddamngorgeous.com
Signed limited edition prints are £19.99, postcards are £1.20
Orders are dispatched via recorded delivery inland and airmail overseas.
Wholesale orders and bulk discounts are als available.

EROTIC ART PRINTS AND POSTCARDS ON EBAY PASHA DU VALENTINE

2011-01-13T01:48:00.001Z

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A QUICK PEEK AT THE NEW RANGE OF ART CARDS AND SIGNED ART PRINTS BY THE RISING STAR OF FEMALE FETISH PASHA DU VALENTINE.
ALL ART IS AVAILABLE AT www.goddamnmedia@goddamngorgeous.com AND ON EBAY IN THE SHOP BIBA DREAMS.

EROTIC ART PRINTS AND POSTCARDS ON EBAY PASHA DU VALENTINE

2011-01-13T01:47:00.001Z

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EROTIC ART PRINTS AND POSTCARDS ON EBAY PASHA DU VALENTINE

2011-01-12T22:52:00.001Z

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God Save the Queen Erotic Art Prints Pasha du Valentine

2011-01-12T21:59:00.001Z

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Another fine collection of erotic and fetish art prints and post cards available at www.goddamngorgeous.com by Pasha du Valentine.
The reproductions are as close to originals as possible and reproduced using archival artist inks and acid free papers. Postcards are a fabulous more affordable option and are available in sets and at wholesale prices.
Pasha du Valentine resides in London and Brighton. She is also known as the Countess of Brighton and Hackney and has many private collectors worldwide. Equally popular are her now highly collectable designer shoe prints and cards.

God Save the Queen Erotic Art Prints Pasha du Valentine

2011-01-12T21:58:00.001Z

Click to Play

Floods, Flatulance and Cheeky Girls

2011-01-06T01:32:00.000Z

My return to the Palace, due to lateness of the hour, was met with an absence of staff and family. I was quick to notice however that the drawing room was wet of floor and that buckets and towels had been placed abound the Persian rugs, seemingly without order. Several parcels, delivered but unopened, were wet and sodden on the coffee tables. I was of some suspicion that the Baron had thrown a party having given the staff the weekend off.
The Baron arrived soon after and I was quick to quiz the boy as he wandered sheepishly about the halls avoiding eye contact with his vexed mother.
There had been an accident, he said.....though not his fault......The child, for by now his maturity and rising manhood was well hidden, had run a bath and returned to his quarters quite forgetful of its progression.
Needless to say the drawing room took some drying but the damage was not beyond repair.
The Baron is now barred from running baths and the job is to be done by the staff at all times. In the absence of staff he is to use the shower....if it is good enough for the French it is good enough for the Baron!

The Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby delivered fresh to my door, by way of a pick me up, cake of the finest order. I was unsure where to start and so dove in for it had been an emotional few weeks.

Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies, has returned to the Palace (as you may know) in order to nurse a broken heart.
Between you and I dear readers, the man was no nobleman and displayed no virtues worthy of a Lady of Skye's calibre. Indeed the palace was grateful to see the back of his coat tales. Rumour has it that he is a man of drink and loose women! (Della and I had also noted that he lacked looks and charm and we were uncomfortable that there was chance, albeit slim, that he would worm his way into Palace favour........as previously noted, the palace has no need of an engineer).
Now, it is with great delight that I am to announce that Skye, Queen of The Mushroom Fairies has been gainfully employed for the purpose of training, at the fine Castle of H in Hove. She is proving already that she is of skill in the area of hostessing and that her career will be long lived. Of course the Castle of H is owned by the Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby, almost, by marriage, and the Countess is most pleased that life in the borough pans so well.
We are warned however of suitors of ill intent and I am apt to send my minder on occasion to protect the Mushroom Queen. Another hopeful, with unwashed hair and disrespectful tongue, had attempted a seduction. The attempts have failed for him, thankfully, and Scott of Records and Bad hair has realised his place....... Prior to the realisation that he was a man of ill breeding he had visited the Palace and attempted to assault my personal assistant, lady Crysi of the de Milos, with a Christmas tree. My minder had to intervene but fortunately my personal assistant is of strong stuff as well as jeans and there was no penetration.

The Castle of H celebrated its third birthday recently and we were to party there. The evening was most pleasant and we were visited by the Cheeky Girls.....an odd couple armed with their mother ( as it should be of course). The night was filled with frivolities and entertainments and the Lady Pembleton-Fraser attended and was merry on wines.

Some time later I was to the House of Komedia where Crysi of the de Milos had arranged that we be entertained with song and vodka from the Russian states. Such fun we had although I feel that some of the guests there lacked the sophisticated tastes of a Countess.......there was some mention that my personal assistant sported finer footwear than your Countess......this is a truly ridiculous notion bred from ignorance and a lack of creative vision! I am to consider that I may not attend the place again though Della has marked that it may be my duty.
I was approached a few weeks past by a local magazine, one of boyish interest and creative reputation, to answer some curiosities they had for the Countess and her influence on the borough. I was to be interviewed by Prince Graham of Northern Territories. I have enclosed the interview for your perusal readers.

_Page 55 for the Countess interview

Prince Graham of the Northern Territories was guest at the Palace recently where he slept through four hours of rehearsals for X Factor.
Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies, is known throughout the borough to sing like a bird and to bring grown men to tears so Della and I were surprised at the gentleman's lack of interest. He did however entertain us fleetingly dressed as a nun and so we forgave his lack of interest as well as a brief regurgitation on his shirt of a small amount of vodka. There too was an incident where the Baron locked us in the Palace (for reasons that only a seventeen year old with flatulence knows) and Prince Graham acted maturely and appropriately for which he is to be rewarded. Besides he is a man of the media and we must keep him close.

As Christmas approaches we ready the Palace for the arrival of the Li'l Literati and the Sniper.

God bless vodka and god bless Brighton and Hackney.

Intruders at the Palace and A Call to Hackney

2011-01-05T22:34:00.000Z

An intruder at the Palace caused much ado and kerfuffle.

Sadly even our beloved Brighton has its source of scum and residue of filth. One poor wretch, another stalker who was unnecessarily obsessed with the Countess, felt it necessary to threaten her kith and kin. The police force, servants of the borough, of course dealt swiftly and appropriately and some other actions have been put into place to ensure safety and contentment.

I have employed a new minder, a large man of particular strength and fortitude who has pledged allegiance to the Palace and the family.

I have also been sent gifts of protection from several sources from as far away as Spain. The wonderful Sir Nigel of the Goldmans of Spain (in exile) was quick to send items that will benefit the palace safety. Likewise an anonymous source has sent other items that will be beneficial......although I am am not yet quite sure how to take full advantage of them until my training is complete, my aim improves nonetheless.

Also I have employed a new personal assistant.

Named Lady Crysi of the de Milos...a long line of beautiful and cunning wenches who turn heads and inject fear simultaneously, her job is to ensure that all matters particular to the running of the palace go smoothly. Indeed another besotted rake, Paulo of Islington, also obsessed with your Countess in an inappropriate manner, took to messaging Lady Crysi herself when communications with the Countess were barricaded. Lady Crysi will indeed find the task of my protection a hard one, but she is paid well and will benefit in heaven of course, as well as in gifts from the Russian states on Fridays.

The end of the year saw a visit to Hackney for the purpose of overseeing much good behaviour from the people of my kingdom there. One had somewhat neglected one's duties in Londinium recently and my Mayor, Boris of Duties, a man of ruffled clothes as well as hair, had begged that a visit be forthcoming as soon as was possible. Besides, the L'il Literati was vexed about some Polish neighbours who seemed to have exceeded the permitted number of dwellers in their abode and have used the exterior cupboards for the storage of strange items fit only for eBay........

(A lease from the Countess should always be adhered to and policing such things requires attention......as I am not for observing the comings and goings of the proletariat myself, I am oft left reliant upon others and the L'il one, apt to linger longingly through the windows of the Hackney palace (whilst constructing rhymes and pros she assures us) is privy to the activities of the residents there.)

The golden carriage then was readied for a trip to Hackney. I was accompanied by the lovely Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights and Martin Middleton, the famous artist as well you know by now. (Sadly readers, Lady Emily and Sir Martin of the Freedmans saw it necessary to end their liase some time ago, although he was most welcome to accompany us in the carriage).

But it was also on this day the birthday of Lady Fran of the Poet Isherwood clan and we were promised to the Charing Cross Road for the sharing of fine wines with her thespian entourage. They were a good enough crowd though aloof due to insecurities of status and wanting direction in the finer things in life. Indeed the Lady Emily was quite perplexed at their lack of breeding as seating was not forthcoming upon our arrival......nor refreshments for that matter. Furthermore there was an incident in the water closet involving the Lady Emily's fine blue rubber attire.....a pair of hussies from the city proved their lack of breeding when they refused, temporarily, to assist our fine Lady Emily after her water passing!

The Lady reminded them that the people of Brighton and indeed Hackney would be only too willing to assist. Post haste. So, reminded presumably of their place, the hussies quickly attended and the Lady Emily's rump was once again protected in its blue rubber from the winds and the ice that had formed upon the Londinium Streets.

And so somewhat disheartened we were to better climbs......for we had been invited to a secret party by a famous performer named Prince Chaz John of the Ross Clan......minstrels and men of frenzied partying, so I was promised. I had heard rumour that this gentleman's playing upon a stage could indeed tame snakes and seduce sirens and I was filled with excitement as I made haste into the very bowels of Hackney.

We were to be accompanied by Dame Cathy of Theatre who, under some influence of red wines, found the golden carriage most interesting and despite the lady's alternative breeding (more west than east it must be said) was thrilled by our promise of raving in Hackney.

As we made way even passers by begged they accompany our party......word spread fast of this 'raving' that was to be done before the dawn took us homeward. The music and revelry were better than promised and dear Martin of the Middletons was approached no less than three times by girls hungry for the attentions of such a superb artist.

And as the sun rose we were to the palace of Prince Chaz (a small abode I fear as land in the city has become so highly priced since the recession...... and I believe also that the gentleman had made losses in soya investments......I was not prone to ask lest it be a reminder.)

Later we were, some party of seven by now, to the palace of the Li'l Literati for she begged her mother and her companions keep her company. Our party was graciously accepted by Lord Snipe of the Dizzles......(a long term suitor of the Li'l Literati......I will share another time readers the tale of the 'Most Wanted' on 'Crimewatch' fiasco which had somewhat coloured my expectations of the Snipe)...I digress.....I was welcomed with a rose and assisted from the carriage to the drawing room most appropriately.

Later there was some tension for the Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights all at once and without warning fell much in love with a man of gentleness and eyeliner named Sir Nikolai Yonker of Portsmouth (strange but true).

There was a moment of sudden nakedness as the Lady Emily took to dancing about the L'il Literatis library, nude in front of the penguin paperbacks, twas a site to behold! Indeed the security had to be called as a member of the Hackney paparazzi was caught taking images of the Lady as she cavorted quite immune to the scoundrels attentions. Myself and the Li'l on took the camera recording plate and destroyed it in order to protect the Lady Emily's honour. It was too late for Sir Nikolai Yonker of Portsmouth whose mouth watered and eyeliner ran as he looked on at the spectacle. Later there was some activity in the hallways but we left it to the butler to deal with. Meanwhile the scum of a man with the recording device, known as Dodgy Dot of Hackney, has been banished for perversions and letchings!

Also present at the Palace in Hackney was a man from Denmark who pretended to be a man of ladies and was revealed to be a man of men. I wondered what it is in Hackney that causes such fear in addressing the truths of the loins. Furthermore, in the streets of hackney and amongst the terraces and the shops, there was a sense of danger and a stench of city dwellers that your Countess has become unfamiliar with. I was, dear readers, glad to be returned to the bosom of my Brighton and though I do not renege on my responsibilities in Londinium of course, I thank the Li'l one for overseeing my duties there as I am too delicate for this task I feel, especially following recent occurrences.

Return to the Palace in Brighton then was much welcomed. Martin of the Middletons was great company, for we had lost Lady Emily Sarah as she was to be home early for her child. I hear rumour more recently that Martin of the Middletons may be in love.....I know not with whom but that she may have an penchant for men in dresses. When I hear more I will share the information for love is an exciting thing, most expecially among artisans and virtuosos.

Until tomorrow, long live Brighton and Hackney, God bless you all.

2010-12-28T01:42:00.000Z

the Countess in G Scene

SIGNED ART PRINT pasha valentine Gradient Tint Police on eBay (end time 31-Dec-10 20:01:18 GMT)

2010-12-01T20:01:00.000Z

SIGNED ART PRINT pasha valentine Gradient Tint Police on eBay (end time 31-Dec-10 20:01:18 GMT): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

DESIGNER SHOE COLOURING IN BOOK PASHA DU VALENTINE NEW on eBay (end time 18-Dec-10 00:29:54 GMT)

2010-11-30T23:54:00.000Z

DESIGNER SHOE COLOURING IN BOOK PASHA DU VALENTINE NEW on eBay (end time 18-Dec-10 00:29:54 GMT): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Facebook | My Photos - nail art by NAILED IT

2010-11-29T19:03:00.000Z

Facebook | My Photos - nail art by NAILED IT: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Still Breathing (episode 3) A Royal Wedding

2010-11-25T17:44:00.000Z

Still Breathing (episode 2) 'A Busy Life'

2010-11-25T16:23:00.000Z

goddamn postcards

2010-11-22T20:14:00.000Z

HANDY MANDY LESSON 2, HOW TO CHANGE A FUSE

2010-11-22T00:44:00.000Z

DESIGNER SHOE COLOURING IN BOOK PASHA DU VALENTINE NEW on eBay (end time 18-Dec-10 00:29:54 GMT)

2010-11-18T00:30:00.000Z

DESIGNER SHOE COLOURING IN BOOK PASHA DU VALENTINE NEW on eBay (end time 18-Dec-10 00:29:54 GMT): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Romans, Barbarians and Dissolutions

2010-11-17T23:22:00.002Z

This weekend past was filled with civic duties and diplomatic reunions that the Countess was well schooled for at several preparatory and finishing schools. Politeness and conviviality were skills well drawn upon in view of a number of unexpected situations.

Firstly my dearest Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies (my third born girl child, for those who do not know) was delivered to the Palace in one of our fine Brighton (or possibly Hackney) Carriages with her wardrobe and toilette in bags of designer disarray and her heart abroken.
The engineer (a suitor of lowly means but generous and vigorous appendage we hear) had taken it upon himself to end their liaise.
Skye is of course a fine beauty and her lineage shows in her endowment and porcelain complexion (she carries maternal genes) . As to what had overtaken the engineer we are none the wiser but the Palace staff rallied favours and kindness in an attempt at least to lessen the harsh blow that is love lost.

None of us were to know that such efforts would be wasted as the engineer was to come quite to his own senses and beyond as he begged her favour less that twenty-four hours later......no doubt due to his intake of vodka in self imposed solitary confinement..... coupled with a stirring from his loins which needed abating! Fortunately your Countess had withheld venomous retaliations saving them till the Monday to follow and so no harm had been inflicted on his body or his soul. I will be less patient and less forgiving should there be a repeat of this occurrence. The Palace nor the child has need of an engineer mark my words.

The Lady Pembleton-Fraser attended as usual on Friday with condolences aplenty for the grand daughter so aggrieved...... and Vodka from the Russian states of course.

Later Myself and Skye were to a new and exciting venue named the Bank.
I was initially confused and concerned that I would be pressed to take funds and open an account to show my allegiance to several friends and fellow Brightonians who seemed to be party to the opening of said Bank. Ping of the Triads, David of the Melos, Douglas of the Craigs all seemed to present the new venture with a finger in the proverbial pie.

Fortunately the venue was not an establishment for banking and I sent my minder back to the Palace post hast with my bullion. The Bank, dear readers, is a Palace of fun and frolicking where ladies and gentleman of a certain calibre might mingle into the small hours for the purpose of chitting and chatting, confirming business partnerships, consoling the downhearted and perhaps finding friendships and loves.

Sir Paul of the Edmunds was also in attendance. For your information I will share with you that in times past Sir Paul had bestowed upon the Countess gifts and kindness aplenty and there was serious talk of a union between our two families. For reasons too complicated to note herein the union was not established and a dissension evolved.

Some years have now past and as your Countess I called upon my diplomacy and ladylike accustom to start anew this difficult association. All was well in the borough although I regret that my entertainment at the Bank with Sir Peter Jarrette and Lady Melanie Of Lyons amongst others distracted me from an invitation to the Grosvenor Castle to to celebrate the birthday of Wouter far From Home......A Countess socially overburdened I fear.

Saturday was arranged a trip to Deal but due to Skye's most delicate nature (the engineer did not rectify the damage done until much later in the day) we were to cancel the trip. Probably as well, indeed a fortuitous move for your Countess quite lost her voice by the afternoon's end...... due probably to the excessive consoling......... and to an overindulgence of red Marlboros that had been delivered the previous day from the Americas.

My physician was called as Della fussed and flustered about the great halls of the Palace. The Lady Pembleton-Fraser was beside herself with fear that one had developed a royal tumour. The fussing quite tired me and I was to the four poster by dusk under instruction from the Palace physician to rest my vocal chords.

My dear friend, Lady Sophie of the Parkins, has since arranged for the book, penned by her mother Molly, to be signed for the Lady Pembleton-Fraser in my absence...... so all was not lost.

I was bothered through the night by past loves, most notably the Italian Mark of Builders who was unhappy with my lack of interest, even at two hours past midnight, and attempted some futile messaging.

I was not for turning and dreamed that I was Boudicca, arisen from that ashes and that Mark of Builders and the C(o)unt were bastard Caesars from Rome ready to rape and pillage my people, to burn my barbarian villages, to cut my childrens' throats and let their blood flow into a quagmire of septic Roman victory!!!!

One was more than relieved to be woken at dawn by one's physician and Della with salts and medicines to calm the nerves and to re-establish emotional equilibrium......... and to realise that the Countess of Brighton and Hackney must not attempt any future alliances with Italy or its menfolk.

Sad news of the demise of the union between Sir Martin of the Freedman clan and my Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights. The sad news came often and aplenty via both of them telephonically and the Countess was plunged into consoling once again. Sir Martin arrived at the Palace, his heart in hand, with gifts of chocolate. He aided Skye in her mathematics tuition in order to free his mind no doubt from the burden of wondering what might have been.
(This was most opportune for Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies, was to be tested the very next morning on these new found skills.) And so it was that Lady Emily sat alone in her ivory tower and Sir Martin in his and the meeting of minds was quite done!

I fear some poison or other has been placed in the waters of Brighton (Hackney seems untouched) for many couplings are this week disassembled. I hear news by carrier pigeon this very morning that Princess Crisy of the de Milos has broken her attachment and is grieving.....this will be a temporary malaise for the de Milos have an unfettered temperament and a lust for life.

Even the Baron seemed somewhat forlorn at the loss of the scullery maid......Della had caught the creature from Moulscombe removing her undergarments whist cleaning his bedstead. The Baron was oblivious to this, thankfully, as he was temporarily indisposed in his toilette. Imagine readers if the poor child had entered his quarters to such a site. I have kept the hideous details from him but he seems bereft at the creatures absence chanting something about a warning letter and forcing a hole through the wall of his accommodation with a bare fist. It is then of good fortune that the Palace business machine turns profits for there are repairs afoot.

The day has ended with news that the Palace is behind with two years of taxes and that a wedding of royalty from London impends. Neither snippet is enthralling and one looks forward now to Friday and Vodka and the company of decent friends.

God bless you all!

James Hewitt’s Polo House, Marbella | Gourmet Dining

2010-11-14T21:30:00.000Z

James Hewitt’s Polo House, Marbella | Gourmet Dining: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

ADMIRERS AND REVOLUTIONARIES

2010-11-11T02:57:00.003Z

A cessation of events and insalubrious activities along the Spanish coast came none to soon for I fear my health was in jeopardy. The diet was rich in carcinogens that my physician has warned against. Moreover the extent of insufficient personal physical activity involved.......

the traversing of the floor of the House of Polo (from Sir Nigel's regular table to the ladies toilette).......

a brief partaking in dance with one's host on the dance floor of the House of Polo.......

and walking to or from the waiting limousine some ten feet or so beyond the doors of the House of Polo.

Furthermore, gifts of the highest quality, including beauty treatments and other spoilings, were now to be expected rather than appreciated by a Countess becoming spoiled. I was reminded of mother and Della who question on occasion your Countess' lack of grace when receiving......a lady should refrain from expectation after all....a mantra one tries to adhere to.

I had also become appreciatively comfortable in my new Marbellan Castle and had all at once become accustomed to Sir Nigel's foibles and even with his tippled staff. The Palaces in Brighton and Hackney were becoming a distant dream. 'Twas fairly now a time to return. That aside, Sir Nigel was overly prone to glance longingly, if somewhat forlorn, as I made way in the mornings from my temporary boudoir to the powder room....... (my quarters lacking en suite facilities as you may recall).

I had received news also from Della that the Baron Rupert de la Mare was finding his autonomy at the Brighton palace rather to his liking. There was no news of lodgers moved in at least and I had not yet heard any complaint from the local constabulary, but I was fearing that my return be necessary lest the borough and the Palace fell to ruin without me.

There was news of British recession coming through to Spain and Sir Nigel was to be heard advising clients to sell their bullion .......not that one would drop by the eaves of course.

And so one made arrangements to return to this fair isle.

Sir Nigel's driver chaperoned your Countess to the jet and quite upset my constitution with tales from somewhere north of Hackney, a place referred to as Liverpool, I believe.......

I was fair looking forward to my return home and to my own staff who have been well vetted against affiliation with mafia and the underworld and other problems that may affect their work here at the Palace.

(Although I believe one of the scullery maids, a tall slender red haired girl with an Irish likeness, named Amber of Moulsecombe, may have a physical disorder affecting her disposition; an overheating problem which causes her to unbutton her bodices in the thick of her duties. The Baron Rupert has explained that this is a rare medical condition and that I must show charity to the creature lest the Baron be forced to renege on a previous promise to her guardians. I remain pleased that the Baron puts his superior education and philanthropy to such commendable use and Della has assured me that the separation in class bears no challenge to what amounts to a purely benevolent relationship......although the girl spends much effort cleaning the Baron's quarters.)

Now, upon my return I noticed immediately that the black onyx statue that guards the palace doorway was absent from its placement. Initially the staff and the Baron were loath to reveal any knowledge of the whereabouts of the sculpture which had been bestowed upon your Countess by a Persian prince some years ago.

Some interrogation ensued for I missed the article and most especially enjoyed, over the years of its possession, its genuine emerald eyes.

My detective work was not of any value and I am assured by the Baron that a thief has stolen the gift....... one late evening he thought he had heard rumblings in the grounds, though they were left unchecked. I have spread word about the boroughs of Brighton and Hackney but fear that in my absence overseas I was quite taken advantage of. The Baron Rupert has assured me that it was an outdated fashion piece with little kudos and that I must put it out of my mind in favour of the many other items of beauty about the Palace. Although I am also missing my highly sought after Alessi coffee cups........at least my child was safe, unravaged one hopes and in appreciation of his mother love having been without it for eleven days.

Upon my return to the borough of course we were to celebrate Hallows Eve and other excitements. There was even a march in the streets of Brighton against government cuts. Della suggested that it was not necessary for a Countess to attend such a march for a number of reasons. Firstly marching would wear one's heels, secondly, mixing with socialist rebels may affect a delicate constitution (or cause over excitement), and of course most importantly, your Countess is quite content with her cuts.....the palace butcher is the finest in England.

Brighton hosted a Zombie March as usual for this time of year and I was filled with glee to have been enabled it. Furthermore there was a dance of Zombies on our fine pier.

And thus one has slotted back into the Brighton way, parties and dancing and the sharing of new ideas......vodka and celebrations and friendships new and old.

Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights and Sir Martin of the Freedman clan have graciously entertained the Countess and Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies this past week.....a feast fit for royalty at an establishment but a stones throw from the palace named the Lion and Lobster.

Sir Peter of the Jarrettes celebrated a birthday this weekend past along with the Baron Rupert and the Duchy of cake and Ice Ice Baby. There was a great deal of celebrating to be done and great quantities of vodka from the Russian states were consumed.

Martin of the Middletons came to the Palace and drew portraits of my guests whilst his colleague, Andrew of Portsmouth, bestowed many cigarettes upon them.

A new suitor......Mark of Builders, also attended the Countess and her palace and momentarily there was consideration amongst parties that a union may be possible. The gentleman has not been successful in his seduction, however, as my business secretary, having enquired into Mark of Builders activities, has warned that the gentleman is no match in funding.......Della warned of a similar mismatch in intellect.......Skye warned that the gentleman bore many striking resemblances to the C(o)unt. Indeed there was a genetic lineage of Italian stock, a lack of education and a brutish demeanor that bore a brother-like similarity to my late husband and I was forced to compose myself and be done with dalliance in order to govern the borough successfully, as is my duty.

And so tomorrow I am to luncheon with the Lord of Kempshot (one's Godfather) along with the Lady Pembleton-Fraser and Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies.

Friday I am to open a new bar in the centre of town. Saturday I am to the Palace of Lady Sophie of the Parkins and to venture into Deal in Kent where the great Molly Parkin is to sign books.....I am to purchase one and have it inscribed by the great lady for my own dear mother on Christmas day.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Welcome-Mollywood-Molly-Parkin/dp/1907616020/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1289060245&sr=8-1-catcorr

And Lex of Angels has installed onto the palace computer system something called expert and professional software. This software has cost the palace greatly .....your Countess was forced to sell one of her gold bars to Sir Nigel of Spain (in exile). I am assured that the archives of Brighton and Hackney will now be managed according to excellence and that my relinquishment will not be in vain.

Now readers I am to the four poster but let us spare a thought for revolting students who this very day past took their discontent to the streets of London as the government plan measures of strife in an attempt to quell the leaks from our coffers. Let us never forget the British right to dissent and to resist!

God bless you all.

Art and Toys and Film Awards

2010-11-04T00:02:00.001Z

Marbella was temperate and luminous as one expected although the exterior pool within the grounds of Sir Nigel's castle was unexpectedly cool. Without suitable swimming attire, (my Ladies in waiting had quite forgotten that one was to experience warmer climbs), your Countess was ill prepared for any such activity as might involve water and the outdoors. That aside, there seemed a lack of privacy as Sir Nigel has leased some of the outhouses and stables on his estate to other dwellers.......investments recently have challenged the coffers even in Spain.

Nonetheless, Sir Nigel's generosity knows no bounds and I was spoilt with champagne and fine fare daily.

Most pleasant were our many jaunts to the House of Polo where we were hosted most generously and convivially by Sir James of the Hewitt clan; a fine figure of man, although apt to wear his trousers rather high. Readers I wonder if this high trouser wearing is the fashion in Marbella for my close friend Lord Simon Cowell, also an occasional resident of Marbella, is too partial to said high waisting.

Whatever the fashions there, it soon became clear that the people of Marbella have a party spirit as equal to that of the inhabitants of the boroughs of Brighton and Hackney and that your Countess was quite able to find herself at ease and to enjoy the hospitality bestowed upon her.

Sir Nigel, as a gentleman of fine standing as we know, proved to be highly respected in Marbella and indeed beyond. He is able to boast a host of endeavours.....an accomplished author of compendiums, an investor and advisor in the financial markets, a merchant in coins and gold bullion and a food critic in one of Spain's fine printed periodicals.

And so, due to Sir Nigel's many connections, your Countess was busied with the most influencial and wealthy inhabitants along the Spanish coast.

http://www.polohouse.net/

Sir Nigel was also to be my escort to the Marbella International Film Festival.

I was suitably enhralled to be introduced to the now famous film director Paul Hills of Movies who has been awarded with a fine if strangley shaped ornament as acolade for his fine production entitled 'Do Elephants Cry?'

http://www.doelephantspray.com/#/paul-hills/4523677706

Furthermore I was also to make personal acquaintance with one of the thespians involved in this celluloid production, a fine gentleman with origins in my borough of Hackney.....my excitement was quite unchallenged by anything else the entire week.....Prince Marc of the Warrens!

Prince Marc was also courteous enough to construct a personal message to the Li'l Literati due to her malaise..... caused by envy at her mother's curcumstance overseas.

My escort treated me also to two nights in an hotel, the Puento Romano Marbella, awarded the highest rating of stars. Indeed it was a fine establishment and the service was generally commendable.......although the food was poor and Sir Nigel may have one of their stars removed because of it.

The maids came regularly to tidy up the mess that Sir Nigel was apt to make......he brought his toys with him readers, two suitcases of them......strange toys with buttons and handles and batteries and yet no train track.......the maids must have been beside themselves with the tidying up and I hope sincerely that they were in receipt of adeqaute renumeration because of their diligence.

Sir Nigel was also to take the Countess shopping and I was to be adorned with finery from the best merchants in all of Spain. In view of this spoiling and under the influnce of champagnes and vodkas, I momentarily agreed to a marriage!

The two of us even agreed on a prenuptual arrangement.....................

........that which was the Countess' property would remain the Countess property and that , which belonged wholly to Sir Nigel would be fairly, indeed equally, shared with the Countess upon any failure of our union. Furthermore, in the event of an early death (apologies for my abruptness) of the Countess, Sir Nigel would accept full emotional and financial responsibility for my brood (the Baron Rupert de la Mare, the Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby, the Li'l Literati, the Queen of the Mushroom Fairies and even the Lady Pembleton-Fraser of Edinburgh).

However.........once the vodkas had worn their natural course I was to face the implications of Sir Nigel's playful aspects and I decided that his passion for toys would become an issue for us.......and the English staff would not be happy to be clearing up after his folloies. Our engagement thus was one of the briefest in history but I am heartened that we had not yet purchased a ring....it being a Sunday at this point and the jewelers not trading.

And what more of my sejourn to the Costa Del Sol?

I was to be a personal guest of Sir Don Clarke....a famous English artist. The gentleman artist afforded me his company in his Spanish studio and was to donate to the Brighton palace a signed book of his artwork. I was most pleased readers and was momentarily tempted to confirm my liaison with Sir Nigel due to my hosts fine collection of the artist's work.

I will continue some time soon for there is much to tell, God bless you all my children, and God bless the Spanish.

YouTube - Thriller Dance on Brighton Pier

2010-11-01T17:31:00.000Z

YouTube - Thriller Dance on Brighton Pier: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

art print PASHA DU VALENTINE GREEN SHOES & SPILT MILK on eBay (end time 27-Nov-10 20:55:04 GMT)

2010-10-28T22:10:00.000+01:00

art print PASHA DU VALENTINE GREEN SHOES & SPILT MILK on eBay (end time 27-Nov-10 20:55:04 GMT): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Imaginary Tigers and a Castle in Spain

2010-10-27T01:57:00.001+01:00

The Festival of Punk was a vision of instrument and song that reminded one of the musical talent within our fine borough of Brighton. The visitors and participators were more well behaved than expected........ Della had been warned that punks were once renowned for leaping without direction and even spitting in some strange convention or custom to celebrate their cultivation. Neither of these activities took place, thankfully, as the Lady Pembleton-Fraser of Edinburgh was in attendance and would not have coped well with such conditions.

Even the Li'l Literati descended from the borough of Hackney having heard of the impending entertainment. The Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby presented the people with cupcakes of a punk nature and Sky, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies, attended and assisted most graciously and facilitated with the smooth running of the event.The Countess fairly reveled in the fact that all her offspring were gathered for an event which was neither a wedding or a funeral.

Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights Clan and Sir Martin of the Freedmans attended also and it became apparent that the pair seemed to have shared time together since the poetry event held at Koba some days prior.

I have heard, via cook, the scullery maid, the butler and a delivery boy, that there had been some concerns over sleep deprivation but that the coupling of these two was most fortuitous.

The poetry event in question hosted Lady Sophie of the Parkin Clan and her literary genius. Many of us had travelled miles to receive her talents. We were introduced also to her consort, Prince Jan of Rotterdam, who proved to be most convivial and jolly and I am most pleased to have received invitation to their fine palace..... although a reminder of said invitation may be required. (I have seen pictures of this palace and am most excited........I believe they have an enviable art collection and wine cellar and that they too are partial to vodka from the Russian states.)

I must take the greatest credit of course for the introduction of Lady Emily to Sir Martin for it occurred on vodka Friday at my palace, but I concede that the warblings from Lady Parkin probably caused cupid to strike his arrows into the hearts of this fine pair.

Later when the festivities of punk were done there was calmness at the Palace and Sir Peter Jarrette and myself took to vodka, as is our way on occasion. The Baron Rupert de la Mare was in attendance and pressed Sir Peter to sample a herbal remedy that he had acquired from overseas. Seemingly the herb induces contentment and pain relief and Sir Peter had some issue with joints. The herb unfortunately seemed not to agree with the latter's constitution, or perhaps the Baron was too generous with the dosage, for dear Sir Peter required then to be carried home by the stable boys, one boldly either side (the Golden carriage was unavailable due to a refit) to his good wife in Beverly Dials. I hear now that Sir Peter has two tigers from Africa about his palace grounds who were also waiting.......although Sir Peter is apt to exaggeration and I will require proof of these beasts....they may be merely wild cats from the Highlands!

The following day I was to Marbella courtesy of Sir Nigel.

A ticket had arrived by special delivery some days before. Della had packed most efficiently as your Countess was forced to arise from the four poster at an ungodly hour well before my usual time of arising at midday. I was not to sort my corsets .....for the journey would not allow any discomfort......jet planes are not as spacious as one might hope.

My dear friend Brian Cowen (An Taoiseach of Eire) had laid on suitable transportation via jet plane as a favor to Sir Nigel..... due partly I believe to successful investments in gold bullion. (I know not readers if I have mentioned in previous entries that Sir Nigel of Spain (in exile rather than by design) has made his fortune in gold investments.) I commend the favour from them both but do question why a Countess could not have been given a more convenient flight at a time less straining on one's temperament. Mine was not to complain of course as I am constantly reminded by mother......a Countess of breeding does not look a gift horse in the mouth, although the desire to do so is often overwhelming.

I arrived in Malaga merely a trifle later than expected despite a small detour around french soil (due to their usual griping) and was met by Sir Nigel's housekeeper who had been forced to double up as driver. The vehicle was good enough, a rather old Mercedes which was comfortable if not flamboyant.

It soon became clear that Sir Nigel's staff were but two.....a man and wife partnering from Liverpool who were rather more mafia than home help. I believe too that they succumb to drink quite often although I was not to disclose such information to Sir Nigel. It would not do for one to arrive and judge and it may be that Sir Nigel has them on half wages due to their indulgences.

The Spanish sense of laissez-faire (a term wholly inappropriate for the French as we know) enveloped my spirit almost immediately and I remained un-flumoxed later when the vehicle transporting me from Malaga to sir Nigel's abode began to shudder, seemingly for petrol, and a small detour to the housekeepers quarters for funds led to a solution.

The Castle of Sir Nigel was indeed suitable if somewhat bijou but I was presented with adequate guest quarters and my own bathroom, albeit not adjoining the boudoir. (This would later cause some difficulties as you will read). The grounds were reasonable, the pool well placed..........I looked forward to eleven days with the Spanish.

Until tomorrow, God bless you all.

2010-10-14T13:18:00.000+01:00

The weekend past became an adventure most unexpected after the French fiasco and the cancellation of my Spanish visit.

Sir Nigel of the Goldman clan, unimpressed by the events abroad, has assured me that another trip will be arranged very soon.

The gentleman was, so he informs the Palace, to escort the Countess to a fine concert where a group of ethnic performers known as Boney M were to perform in my honour.

I feel for the gentleman of course in his abject disappointment although he had to be reprimanded by his housekeeper for throwing so many of his toys out of his proverbial perambulator.
I have since made enquiries as to the musical activities of this band of minstrels. They seem rather entertaining although not quite of the usual Countess style.......Not Bach or Mozart certainly!!!!
But in an attempt to widen my musical knowledge and to empathise with the vibrations of the street, I have had my musical tutors visit the Palace on several afternoons. After some tutoring from the finest composer performers in Europe I am now quite adept at a performance of 'Brown Girl in the Ring' which I play to Sir Nigel via a link and camera on one of the Palace personal computers. And a fine upstanding gentleman my newest suitor is for he quite fusses and flusters as I grip my violoncello hard between my tense knees and await some approval of my musical skills.......it comes readily of course. Sir Nigel has expressed that I am note perfect and far beyond criticism.

Friday then, due to the French, was with the lady Pembleton-Fraser who was most pleased that she had the Countess all to herself once again. The Lady likes it not when I away from the vicinity.

Later I was briefly entertained by Colin of Hove who became like a spoilt child due to a lack of Countess attention....this is quite normal behaviour now and I am to be used to it. The gentleman stomped off in quite a huff and so I was to be entertained instead by Lord Gregory of Plumbing who quite became obsessed with the Countess' well being for many hours. Sadly I am not of a mind to respond readily to these amorous attentions due to a large quantity of facial hair sprouting from the gentlemen's upper lip in the style of my dear late friend Salvador Dali.

Now Della informs me that the term for this facial accessory is a 'handle bar moustache'!

However the gentleman was most generous with his gifts of wine and escorted the Countess home most kindly.

Then the Baron of course, as is his way, escorted Lord Gregory off the Palace grounds and across the moat with one of the groundsman's pistols pointed absent mindedly at the moustache that had so made the Countess queasy in the first place.

On Saturday one took to one's bed for the late hours and excessive dancing had caused a malaise. The Countess recovery was quick.......due mostly to Della and a little something from the medicine cabinet.

Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights arrived at the Palace with much vodka from the Russian states and our spirits were lifted.

And so with great excitement and trepidation all at once we were to Kemptown and the Palace of Princess Crysi of the de Milos. What glee it was there as I fairly span about within the pinkness of its being! Indeed I was fair envious and was straight to the mobile telephone to send a message to my personal designer that my own palace be renovated upon my return. (The matter is quite in hand, although delayed due to comitmentments and civic duties. I was to purchase a chair in the style of de Milo this very week.)

I digress........as normal, forgive me readers.

Later Jono of Eire was to arrive and more vodka and we were to be cossetted and cared for in the de Milo abode quite beyond the call of duty. Indeed the Princess of the de Milos' guest rooms were the most comfortable in the borough I feel sure, apart from the Countess east wing of course.

On Sunday Lady Emily Sarah directed us to her abode for a feast known to the working classes as a 'fry up'. I was most excited to try this fare for a Countess should know and experience many things in order to be effective.

Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies arrived too although due to an oversight by the cook with the hollumi, my child was forced to donate her portion to her mother as a sign of respect. My years of school fees had paid off, a surely worthwhile investment amid the gambles and the expenses that have beset the Palace over the years.

Monday was a day of civic duties and I was arranged to meet with Sir Eccles of the Zappours in order that we bring news to the borough's inhabitants of the Festival of Punk Rock. This great event was to be held on the 10th of October this very year and the time approached fast.

For the moment dear readers long live Brighton and Hackney.......

eBay - The UK's Online Marketplace

2010-09-29T22:24:00.000+01:00

eBay - The UK's Online Marketplace: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Anti-Social Behaviour and the French

2010-09-23T22:17:00.000+01:00

News of anti-social behaviour abounds nationally and as a Countess of note one is shamed by the possible activities of one's inhabitants.

However, after a meeting with the chief of Police I am pleased to be informed that, as matter of fact, and by no accident I am sure, the Boroughs of Brighton and Hackney are indeed at the lower end of anti-social behaviour league tables. Of this I am most pleased. Della nodded knowingly with her small hands clasped as we listened to the news...... and then Della hissed at the scullery maid who muttered something about massaged figures....I was to ask Della exactly how a maid afforded a massage of her figure on such a salary and I am tempted to cut her rate of pay.

Life at the Palace has been been pleasant and nothing untoward has threatened my peace.

The Wednesday Charity events have continued with my usual guests, Lady Juliet of the Jaques, Tranny Ana, Emily of the Whiter Clan and of course Lady Diana of the Lauries of Hove.
Tranny Ana was, during one of our Wednesday meetings, persuaded by the Baron to assist him in his driving skills. The Baron seemingly is quite a natural and even killed two birds with one stone as it were by travelling to an unknown destination to pick something up, hurriedly and under cloak of dark. Tranny Ana was happy to reapply her make up during the driving interval and the parties returned better for the jaunt

It is with great sadness that we had to say farewell to the Lady Diana of Hove for she is on her way to the Americas. I hear that there are more readily available men folk in a place named New York (although I recall that the Lady Pembleton-Fraser took your Countess there once in some vain hope of marrying her off and the results were most unpleasant).

Our thoughts and considerations please to the Lord Double-yew who now battles with a problem of the esophagus. Similarly the beautiful Jono of Eire has a similar problem as indeed does mother. I took to a quiet word with my physician for I was beginning to suspect some poison in the waters of the cities. Alas it would seem that an overindulgence in liquors is the culprit! I have advised my colleagues then to exercise caution and decorum when indulging in such things, as indeed the Countess does at all times.

There was unfortunate news regarding my sojourn to Marbella today. The French, it seems, have withdrawn their labour yet again and flights have been cancelled over and over. One wonders when the French work......they seem to strike a great deal.....how do they pay for their Gauloises?

My Spanish suitor, the lovely Count Nigel of the Goldmans, not so much Spanish as exiled, is not amused and has promised to take the matter to the European Courts. And I am to remember the dastardly behavior with my ancestors as the French demanded their heads roll at the guillotine. (I am as you know a direct descendant of Marie of the Antoinettes......hence my preoccupation with cake.) And so my trip to Spain is ended before it is begun. Let us hope that the French are satisfied soon.

The Baron Rupert de la Mare was to begin a course in a college of further education, a sophisticated seat of advanced learning in a suburb of our fine city named Lewes. We are most pleased at his resilience to attend daily even arising himself without the need of Della and her wet sponge.

The young ladies of Lewes too seem of a higher calibre that their counterparts in Seaford and Maulsecombe, and Whitehawk........their telephone manner more conducive to a Baron who is heir to a fortune. I will speak no more of it less fate be tempted for I am to believe a party was organised in my absence that may have led to disaster within the Palace walls! (The staff were temporarily dismissed for the duration of my trip to Marbella, all but for the stable boys who seem to share readings from a small black book with the Baron on regular occasions. I pray they read Blake but will not ask).

I am likewise not to question certain other antics which cause the Baron and his counterparts to remove items of their garb. Della has warned that a mother's place is not to know the workings of the young gentleman's mind and I am advised to simply replace any of the tape measures which seem to go missing.

The Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice baby is off to Cyprus on shopping duties and I am temporarily without cake. She did however prepare these before she went in reverence to her dear mother.

Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies has also been enrolled at a seat of great learning within the borough called Varndean College. Sadly she struggles with Mathematics. As you know readers from a previous entry, the Palace boasts its own mathematicians who created a formula some months ago for the perfect man. The Palace mathematicians will guide Skye in the direction towards success and if this proves problematic Della has informed me that a small fee to the correct people will ensure a high pass mark. i will leave it then to my lady in waiting.

The Li'l Literati maintains my seat in Hackney most admirably and prepares for a performance at the Punk Festival which will be hosted by our fine borough on the 10th of October this year of 2010.

http://www.goddamngorgeous.com/page_133.html

I have a new friend and counterpart who I was introduced to last weekend. Lady Emily Sarah of the Rights and myself were to Spellbound.....a night of retrospective dancing and there I met Princess Crysi of the de Milo lineage. We had much fun as we paraded the streets next day dressed in our finery. The Lady Emily Sarah had presented, as a gift to Princess Crysi, a full length pink coat which quite matched her lipstick and caused quite a stir as we waved to our public.

News that the Palace of Red Roms was forced to close came as a shock to us all. I was to attend a party there but my health was not its best. I sent the Baron in my place but it seems that he was quite under some influences of beer and spirits and Sir Peter Jarrette sent him home to recover. Let us take this time readers to wish Sir Gary of the Brookes good will and fortune in his endeavors.

And now dear readers my awards and punishments which are so long overdue.

H.O.M (Honour of Magnificence)

The Lady Pembleton-Fraser for bringing vodka to the Palace every Friday

Goldblade for agreeing to play the Countess Punk Festival

Crysi de Milo for perfect decorum

Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights for the best risotto in England

Lady Juliet of the Jaques for the courage to begin her hormone therapy

Sir Eccles of the Zappours for reliability, loyalty and reasonable humour at all times

The Baron Rupert de la Mare for upgrading his carnal interests

Tranny Ana for giving the Baron a driving lesson

Lady Diana of the Lauries for always bringing gifts of food and wine to the Palace

Dunking in Slurry

Lex of Angels for neglecting the upkeep of the palace computer systems

Sir Gary of the Brookes for squirting soda water into the Foxy Warrior's mouth and attempting to drown her

Easyjet for cancelling flights and not offering suitable alternatives

The French for striking too often

Beheadings

The Foxy Warrior of the Johnston Clan for crimes against the Baron and double faced behaviour towards friends of the Palace

Convict Jake of the Ugly Penfolds for theft from the Palace

As we approach another weekend readers let us prepare together for the ITV pilot set here in our borough of Brighton. Filming commences shortly with Diana of La Frangis and your Countess with assistance from a fine crew. I am sadly sworn to much secrecy but i fairly burst with enthusiasm for this fine upcoming project.
Also soon is a party hosted by Wouter Far-From-Home with a Baroque theme.....I am to create baroque art for the event.

With excitement in my bones I bless you all, my people of Brighton and Hackney!

YouTube - Goldblade - "City of Christmas Ghosts" (feat. Poly Styrene)

2010-09-20T16:04:00.000+01:00

YouTube - Goldblade - "City of Christmas Ghosts" (feat. Poly Styrene): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

BRIGHTON PUNK FESTIVAL 10TH-11TH OCTOBER TICKETS on eBay (end time 25-Sep-10 16:37:58 BST)

2010-09-18T16:40:00.000+01:00

BRIGHTON PUNK FESTIVAL 10TH-11TH OCTOBER TICKETS on eBay (end time 25-Sep-10 16:37:58 BST): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

fetish postcard gas mask and fishnets erotica Valentine on eBay (end time 25-Sep-10 14:34:52 BST)

2010-09-18T15:46:00.000+01:00

fetish postcard gas mask and fishnets erotica Valentine on eBay (end time 25-Sep-10 14:34:52 BST): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

PASHA DU VALENTINE GAS MASK POSTCARD EROTIC HUMOUR NEW on eBay (end time 25-Sep-10 14:40:21 BST)

2010-09-18T15:40:00.000+01:00

PASHA DU VALENTINE GAS MASK POSTCARD EROTIC HUMOUR NEW on eBay (end time 25-Sep-10 14:40:21 BST): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Biba Dreams items - Get great deals on Greetings Cards, Photograhy and Art Prints items on eBay.co.uk Shops!

2010-09-08T00:36:00.000+01:00

Biba Dreams items - Get great deals on Greetings Cards, Photograhy and Art Prints items on eBay.co.uk Shops!: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

ltd ed signed print goddamn media GAS MASK AND SHOES on eBay (end time 15-Sep-10 18:04:45 BST)

2010-09-08T00:34:00.000+01:00

ltd ed signed print goddamn media GAS MASK AND SHOES on eBay (end time 15-Sep-10 18:04:45 BST): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

THE DIARIES OF GODDAMN GORGEOUS 99p DIGITAL DOWNLOAD

2010-09-07T20:41:00.000+01:00

WARNING

CONTIANS ADULT CONTENT

Life After Channel Four and the Saga of the Come Dine With Me Feud

2010-09-07T19:56:00.000+01:00

The feast of risotto at the abode of my dear friend Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights, turned into an evening of great entertainment.

Firstly and somewhat unexpectedly was the arrival of the Foxy Warrior somewhat worse for the wine that she had purchased that afternoon. The Foxy one had been on a mission to the Latest Music Bar to demand the return of her boots and other garb that had been worn during her stint as the showgirl for Elvis Presley........film to follow herein dear readers!

Sadly the clothing seems to have been hijacked and we are losing hope.....the borough as you know is built on the energy of strange souls many of whom would not normally have easy access to such exciting attire. I will endeavour of course to have the items returned safely but realistically I am not hopeful......and the Foxy one is like a terrier with a rat on the issue!

Now, later, Foxy having left for more interesting adventures it seems, we welcomed Martin of the Middletons and Sir Andrew of Cooks and Portsmouth. We chatted well enough and listened to music of a vintage feel. Some time later the Lady Emily however embarked on proposals beyond the acceptance of a Countess. In fact I was unsure what a foursome actually was and I was home steadfast to ask of Della a definition.

I have since found out that a foursome usually means a group of four ready for the game of bridge. I know that the Lady Emily would die rather than play bridge, she is of a more adventurous and modern disposition. And so it was clear that the Lady must have been referring to a quartet of musicians for I know that she is experienced in the viola, that the Countess is experienced in the cello and that probably the gentleman concerned play with their organs when the opportunity arises.

Anyway, I was not for staying as the night had taken its toll upon one's constitution and my physician had begged me take things at a more restful pace. I was homeward to the Palace and left them to the possibility of a threesome.

On the following Monday I was to receive cake from my child, the Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby.....not before time I might add for I have waited many weeks for such a delivery. The cakes were indeed most pleasant and similar ones are available at the Buttercream Bakery here in Brighton at a very reasonable price.

www.buttercreambakerybrighton.co.uk

BUTTERCREAM BAKERY OF BRIGHTON

Later in the afternoon I was to the Bar With No Name sometimes known as Bradshaws. The proprietor, a very handsome gentleman for overseas, Sir Nick, had gallantly agreed to host the first episode of Come Dine With Me on channel 4 which of course had been hosted by the Countess several months prior.

Sir Peter Jarrette and his dear wife, Lady Karin of Germany, the Lady Pembleton-Fraser, the Foxy Warrior, Princess Patsy, Jono of Eire, Sir Colin of Hove all attended along with many others. We were treated to the finest Champagne and strawberries and the day was blessed with much amusement due to the television and the festivities.

Later the Foxy one adopted the fetal position to sleep on a most comfortable chair at the establishment and as Sir Peter was available as a more than suitable chaperon we were off to the town for more merriment safe in the knowledge that the Foxy one can quite look after herself.

By Tuesday my physician was in despair for I was promised to civic duties at the Club of Cowley midweek. Lex of Angels was to celebrate a birthday there too and Sir Eccles Zappour accompanied me to a viewing of a documentary about a band of political activists called Crass. The evening started in relative quiet but Sir Eccles and myself were to experience vodka sampling aplenty and to make way to town for another birthday celebration......a colleague of Lisa of the Montagues, Lady Peggy.

At the Kitchen Castle, a bijou inn with much atmosphere and dancing, I was introduced to a gentleman of unorthodox demeanor who took to entertaining the Countess with great energy. He was named Lord Nick of Penetration as he is involved in the piercings and tattoings of the body, indeed he owns an establishment in the borough.

I was under some confusion however as several individuals referred to him as Prince Albert and I was not to understand this dual title.

Later Eccles and I were to the Palace of Vavoom where I believe he bothered lesbians.

On Friday I had somewhat succumbed to the constant attentions of the gentleman of Penetration (two days of text begging) and we were to visit Tranny Ana who had offered us a feast at her abode of eco friendliness.

My Kingdom of Brighton is not as large as one may assume and it would appear that most of us already know each other....inexplicably linked in our activities along the way. Tranny Ana and Nick of Penetration were old colleagues.

On Saturday Nick of Penetration also known as Prince Albert, was to escort me in his chariot about the borough as if we were a king and queen and it was most pleasant even though your Countess is not normally impressed by carriages. The rumbling exhaust caused a stir amongst the proletariat which was fairly enjoyable as your Countess likes greatly to practice her waves and to blow her kisses. Sadly however Nick of Penetration proved a rather a poor driver of the beast of a machine and my life was clearly at risk. Della and Mother have insisted I never travel this way again.

I attempted bed rest under medical instruction but was later to accompany Sir Peter Jarrette and Lady Karin to the Grosvenor Castle. Such fun we had there despite my waning constitution for it was filled with beautiful people who wanted to entertain us with anecdotes and comedy. We partied at The House of Brian in one of the boroughs prestigious squares. Later Sir Peter and I were invited to the House of Sean of Hove where Lady Cath and Sir Ian had been entertained already for some hours.

By now the sun was coming around again and we were to feast as well drench in imported wines from around the world. More visitors arrived whose names escape me. A Countess has to remember so much and without Della or the Foxy Warrior to assist I was of no academic use. (Sir Peter had quite fallen intellectually by this time).

Now readers, a surprise! I am invited to Marbella on the 27th day of this September.

A previous suitor, a man of great means as well as a villa in the same district as Sir Simon of the Cowells, has sent my ticket to fly and to reside there with endless champagnes for two whole weeks!

I am beside myself with glee for I am also booked into a spa and to some visits about the area which boasts fine restaurants and hotels that befit a Countess.

Mother is most jealous and I am attempting not to boast......Della frowns when I do and I hang my head in Countess shame.

Diana of the Frangis and myself have had the approval of ITV to make a pilot fashion showas some of you may know. The Countess' avant garde styling and Diana of the Frangis Bardot looks make us a perfect couple to advise the nation. I am to film in Marbella and Brighton for the launch of an international jet setting series.

Furthermore I am reading situation comedies with a view to another pilot with my friends from Come Dine With Me, well some of them, for one who I will not grace here in my diaries with a name, has issued me with death threats and I may be forced to tell the News of The World! The police have been informed and I am issued with a gentleman in plain clothes to guard the Palace until the fiasco is dealt with. I fear the Foxy one is unamused as she feels quite able herself to take on any threat. Alas I am to take caution on board, especially in the absence of Della, for my Lady in Waiting is off for a well earned holiday.......she travels 'up north'....we wish her safe journey. The Countess does not like her absences but must allow her some rest from her Palace duties which seemingly never end.

News has just arrived that Lady Emily of the Wrights is to sushi with Lady Charlotte on Thursday. I too have an invite to Mushi Mushi for this sushi feast and may make myself known there lest anything untoward occur between the Ladies. The Lord Double-Yew will be in the Castle with the children (I fear they are on harder times, we are in a recession after all, and they are not able to keep nanny.......may our thoughts be with them readers).

There is news from Hackney that The Li'l Literati is to Vienna for the wedding of her best friend from Roedean. We wish her well in her travels.

Also the Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby is to Cypress to give herself rest with her Gentleman of distinction. (They have shared a castle in Hove for five years but remain untied.......something we grieve about as she was not brought up in the ways of the working classes.)

The Duchy has informed me today that Fizziwigs of Brighton is the one and only sweet shop outside of Las Vegas to stock the Couture Pop. How fabulous that our borough remains so cutting edge. The Countess is to receive one as a Christmas gift, unless my mind changes before then.

It seems then that the Baron may be left home alone for some time with nothing but the staff to guide him! I have instructed them to be vigilant and formidable in their care of him during my absence. We know that he is apt to temptations of a carnal variety.

Tomorrow I am to entertain at the Palace.....a small group of gentlemen and Ladies and some who are somewhere in between. I look forward to imported vodka and the excitement of informed conversation.

God bless you all.

Come Dine with Me

2010-09-07T15:23:00.000+01:00

IMAGES of HACKNEY

2010-09-01T16:22:00.000+01:00

Sadly I am to stay resident in the Palace in Brighton until the furore over my nightly television appearances on channel four subsides!

I was to Hackney for the purpose of partying and blowing kisses but my minder and my secretary and even Della have all insisted it best to allow the excitement of the populous to calm themselves.

I have instead some images from the Li'l Literati which are to be published by the Palace as part of this season's collection of post and greetings cards.

seen on come dine with me Pasha du Valentine shoe card on eBay (end time 05-Sep-10 22:06:31 BST)

2010-08-29T22:08:00.000+01:00

seen on come dine with me Pasha du Valentine shoe card on eBay (end time 05-Sep-10 22:06:31 BST): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

The Countess of Brighton and Hackney Hosts a Veritable Feast for Come Dine With Me on Channel 4

2010-08-26T16:03:00.001+01:00

A reminder to all who may be interested!

Your Countess hosted a feast of fine fare some time past for the television. Sadly I was not permitted to use Cook who has never quite recovered from the fact. Even Della was not permitted to advise on the proceedings.

Alas one did one's best as Mother and Papa had made great effort in my upbringing to ensure that my skills extended from the basic to the complex. A lady of means and education is able to keep house and to entertain as well as to speak languages (at least European ones, sadly one never mastered Zulu, despite the servants best attempts in my time on the continent).

And so dear friends the event in question is to be aired on Monday the 30th August on channel 4 at 5 pm.
For friends and Brightonians the Palace is to host a cinematic review in Bradshaws along Western Road.

God bless Brighton and Hackney!

Football and Heartburn

2010-08-26T00:39:00.001+01:00

The Palace machine has never run so smoothly and the Countess has become calmed at last after the weeks of preparations for the Palace Fetish Art exhibition. Business plans are on schedule and my secretary is content with the swelling coffers, although they swell less in these times of recession.

I have been in receipt of many messages of congratulations and thanks although I wait with anticipation the final remuneration from Martin of the Freedmans who, somewhat overcome by the Foxy warrior, reserved her portrait in gold behind bars.

From INTERNET IMAGES

Nothing other this past week seemed to add any unnecessary drama and what with business and civic commitments less challenging than usual one has been able to focus attentions on one's person.

The Countess wardrobes swell with new designs, shoes delivered direct from Channel and Dolce and Cabana and clothes direct from Vivienne Westwood.

Friday saw a visit to Hove to meet with the Lady Pembleton-Fraser in a place for sampling wines known as the Lion d'or.
Most fortuitous was the arrival of the Lord Double-Yew for as you may recall readers I was to question his methods as landlord of slums in the borough. I believe my duty as both friend and governor were executed well.
In fact relations between the Lord in question and lady Emily have seemingly improved for this very evening the lovely Lady Emily invited the Lord and his good wife to the abode at the centre of the criticism for a feast of risotto.

Be it far from me to gossip (as mother of course is apt to mention.....a lady of my social standing and education must rise above the temptations of the gutter).
However, cook was caught in an act of tongue wagging with the scullery maid by the stable boy, who then shared it, it seems, with the gardener who accidentally let it slip to the butler as your Countess overlooked the Rhododendrons........I am weary with the tale already....but I will continue.

It seems that earlier last evening in the abode of Lady Emily Sarah of the Wrights there was an incident with a wooden spoon and buttocks that only involved the Ladies there present. Seemingly Lady Charlotte quite became enlightened in the activity as the Lord Double-Yew watched smoking a Havana and warming his Cognac.
I have warned my staff that discretion amongst the aristocracy is paramount and that their continued employ in my Palace depend on it! I will not tolerate tittle tattle, except for the truly enlightening.

I digress as usual and take you back to my time in Hove and the people there last week.

I was to spend some time in a rather dowdy castle, as part of my civic duties, in a place of ill repute named the Green House Effect. I was under some impression or other that it was a place of Eco friendliness and worldly experiment....perhaps where flowers would grow under a bubble as in the Eden project in the west country.......Alas I had been ill informed but in an attempt to mix with the proletariat and understand their foibles, I remained and was influenced to sample wines. (To be fair readers, the wines reminded your Countess of something cook uses for the servants Christmas broth).

I was entertained with great kindness however by many songsters from a band of travellers called, as I recall, Karaoke Songsters, including the lovely Kamna of the Dodds. I am unsure if her family are aware of her fall into the travelling karaoke lifestyle and will speak to her mother when and if the need arises. Sometimes parental ignorance is bliss.

Later I was pleased to meet the lovely Sir Teddy of the Maybank clan ....who I believe was once great sportsman. Of course mother would be most unimpressed, or so I thought, at any prospect that my expensive education be wasted on the lifestyle of a W.A.G.

(The Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby has told me of W.A.G.s and their impact upon my boroughs, more on Hackney than Brighton it must be said, but a threat nonetheless to our young ladies and their career choices. W.A.G.s roam Britain in search of men of sport and cause themselves to be forcibly impregnated by them so that they may insist on the purchase of new handbags and shoes, regularly. I have had to persuade my daughters that such temptation should be avoided .....although the Baron may do well by it should he become that way inclined........in view of his lack of academic comitment.).

The night was not over and I was to be yet further entertained by the proprietor of the Red Rooms Castle. How generous he was as we partied hard with no strain on the Palace coffers. And our party was to travel to Hove in the sunshine the very next day. Beyond that my memory has failed me for the party was seemingly never to end and the champagne to forever flow.

When I was returned home my health had suffered and I was to my dear friend Sir Peter Jarrette who told me of this dreaded heart burn which can be a direct result of going to too many parties in a row. My physician is dealing with it and I am to consider a rest from my hectic schedule.......when a break becomes possible.

Later in the week I was to the latest Music Bar for I had been personally invited by Marilyn Monroe to a night of iconic entertainment. I had secured the Foxy warrior as a showgirl for Elvis Presley and he was most pleased with her feather thrusting on the stage to the wonder of an entranced audience. It was to be a night of being quite starstruck by the Americans as even Frank Sinatra arrived having heard that the Countess was guest of honour.

Good news from one's offspring arrived also this week.

The Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby has become a personal instructor of dance at the new club of Glee. I am not so sure what this club entails but I am assured by Della that it is simply beyond fabulous and that her position there will benefit the good people o f our borough greatly. There is even talk of a second School of Glee in Hackney......although the Li'l Literati is uninterested as she finds dancing quite frivolous!

http://www.brightongleeclub.co.uk/

And more news from Hackney and the Li'l one.....she has been gainfully employed by one of our country's finest schools.....Roedean no less......to edit their annual publication and design invitations to the great ball which will celebrate one hundred and twenty five years of educating girls of fine calibre, including the Li'l one of course.

Tuesday last I was introduced through a family friend, Mandy of the Spencer clan, to a gentleman of apparent means and excellent social standing. He was most charming indeed and requested my accompaniment at a soiree where I would be treated and entertained with great culinary masterpieces and performances of sacred music. The day was spent in pleasant surroundings, all be they bijou, with a gentleman and a scholar whose charm was almost flawless. I say 'almost' readers because there were certain anomalies in his explanations and disclosures.
I have decided not to permit any further associations as I am of the opinion that he may be linked with an underworld. Dear mother has had enough disappointment in her life without the threat of a ransom looming. I foolishly allowed the meeting despite my minder being absent.

Now what of this last weekend?

Tranny Anna arrived with wines and the Lady Pembleton-Fraser with vodkas.....and later Sir Teddy of the Maybank clan. Much chitting and chatting ensued and all was well, indeed Mother seemingly forgave Sir Teddy for his footballing past........ but later the Baron, of ill mood, arrived and took stock of the Palace guests. The baron was not in good spirits and for reasons unbeknown to myself or mother or my Lady in Waiting the Baron removed Sir Teddy in no uncertain fashion. Fortunately he left vodka.......a limited edition version with crests and its own silver box.......so all was not lost.
Sir Teddy later sent news that he was unable to pursue any relationship with the Palace in view of the Baron and his apparent 'madness'. It was clear at this point that the aging footballer had lost his spark for a spa!

Sunday was a day at the regal Square of Brunswick. My dear friend Lisa of the Montegues kindly invited the Countess to her palace overlooking the activities. How the wine flowed on that rainy day and we were oblivious to the tensions of the clouds. I was however forced to reprimand the Foxy Warrior because, under some influence no doubt.......she absconded with the Countess' new boots.......one's shipped directly from foreign continents and so rare as to be insured by the Palace!
I have forgiven her in view of the fact that she pines for the butler, Miguel who was returned to Spain and the bosom of his family this week.

The Lady pembleton-Fraser has sent news of her pleasure at being photographed for the Latest 7 publication. My personal photographer Diana of the Frangis had excelled once again as our images were blazoned across page 5.
Indeed the famous artist, Martin of the Middleton's, visited the Palace this very evening and expressed similar delight.

And so we come to a close as I plan an evening at Lady Emily of the Wrights tomorrow. Her risotto has become quite legendary and I am eager with anticipation.

I am also to a luncheon appointment with a family friend and for coffee with Princess Catherine. I sigh at my commitments.

God bless you all my children.

Latest%207%20489%3A%2023-30%20August

2010-08-24T14:25:00.000+01:00

Latest%207%20489%3A%2023-30%20August

Stunning designer shoe greetings card with envelope A5 on eBay (end time 23-Sep-10 12:45:54 BST)

2010-08-24T12:47:00.000+01:00

Stunning designer shoe greetings card with envelope A5 on eBay (end time 23-Sep-10 12:45:54 BST): "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

A night of retro icons

2010-08-21T14:56:00.000+01:00

the Countess of Brighton and Hackney and the Snoopers Paradise

2010-08-17T01:47:00.000+01:00

Can't Take My Eyes Off of You (Ukulele Cover)

2010-08-17T00:41:00.000+01:00

Alive & Swinging | with Marlyin Monroe

2010-08-16T19:28:00.000+01:00

Alive & Swinging | with Marlyin Monroe: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Wild Fruit Pride by Michaela kesenheimer Basement Films

2010-08-10T18:12:00.001+01:00

Click to Play

Clip from Latest TV episode by Michaela Kesenheimer of Basement Films. Pasha de la Mare du Valentine aka the Countess of Brighton and Hackney, takes a tour of the Kings and Queens at Oceana at the Wild Fruit event 2010. Fabulous clothes and style from icons of Pride.......Dolly Rocket,
Dusty O, Tasty Tim, Lady Lloyd, Chrissy Darling, Myra Davenport, Stephanie Starlet, Rowetta, Peyton, Holestar, Freemasons, Kate Wildblood, Queen Josephine, Prok and Fitch, Paul Kemp

wwwgoddamngorgeous.com
http://thecountessofbrightonandhackney.blogspot.com/